Randominant's Journey

S is for . . .

2011-07-20T15:00:00.003+01:00

. . .Sex

And fantasies. I don't get near enough. There are a few things I like, sex related. In no particular order, here goes. I wish I didn't have to wear a condom. There is only one person who I don't have to wear a condom with. The feeling is incredible. It's dirty and wet and messy and I love it. And it helps she gets really wet when we fuck. I love getting my ears licked. Guaranteed to get me turned on. I remember years ago getting a BJ to completion from a girl, and she swallowed. I would love to have that happen again. The orgasm was even more intense just because she swallowed. I also like getting deepthroated. Slapping her lips with my dick, grabbing her hair, controlling the movement and the depth. That's the dominant in me coming out. I like to perv at women. No surprise there. I like watching. I have been to swingers clubs where all I did was watch. Seeing double and triple penetrations. Dicks in pussy, ass and mouth. I love eating pussy and would love for the opportunity to involve sex toys like vibrators and dildos. I got the chance to use a dildo on a woman a few times but was paying for it, so there was no oral sex. I love anal sex. My ex introduced me to it in the beginning of our relationship and I was hooked. She loved it as well, obviously. The feeling of doing something taboo, the tightness, and the trust and intimacy involved. Of course, since we separated years ago, most of the times I've done it, I had to pay. There have been other instances where I didn't have to pay but that leads into the next section.

. . . Secrets

I have had sex with a TS. So the secret is that I'm Bi. Though I don't want to admit it. The times I have done this have been in BDSM themed situations. The person involved went the whole hog. Dressing, living like a woman with all the shaving and mannerisms, real hair, etc. I think they live full time in this role. Still has the man parts though. Their thing is humiliation and Masochism. To go into some detail, they like to be face fucked then fucked up the ass. So therein lies the hook for me. Face fucking someone then anal sex, with some light bondage. Very perverted, I know, but that was the secret. Haven't done that in a while though. Someone who is a real woman has been more my thing recently. Yes, A, I'm referring to you. If you ever speak to me again after this. You asked a question once, what was the most outrageous thing I've ever done. That was it. Now about the Bi thing. I don't fancy men per se. It's more about doing something outside the norm. About the BDSM thing. I don't watch gay porn, things like that. The situations I was in, the TS/men were in full character, as women. I know they were men but could see past that. Get into the scene. It does help that I'm a pervert and a fantasist.

. . . Shame

Being from the Caribbean, homophobia is a big thing, so obviously I'm more than a bit embarrassed to admit my secret. And that I've done it on more than one occasion. And that I will probably do it again, while I'm single. I sincerely doubt if I was seeing someone on the regular that I would. I'm sure I could find another woman who would let me fuck her up the ass. Without paying for it. Does it make it better that I'm a top? The closest I've come to anything near my asshole is being rimmed. No desire to have anything shoved up there. No problems doing it to someone else though.

R is for . . .

2011-06-22T16:56:00.002+01:00

Regrets

I regret

Not having the lights on when we were fucking. Yes, that's all it was.
Not making her come more than once.
Not using sex toys.
Not getting a blow job.
Not getting a tit wank. She has gorgeous breasts.
Not fucking doggie style. Her ass is rounder than I remember.
Not giving her a hickey.
Not lasting longer in bed. Yes, I was Mr 5 minute man, more than once.
Not taking more video of her for my wank bank.
Not satisfying her more, yes, I was selfish/stupid.

All of the above are just me thinking out loud. You can tell I'm horny, can't you?

Q is for . . .

2011-05-13T20:06:00.009+01:00

. . . Questions
Why did it not last longer? Why did it not turn out like we expected? We resolved a lot of stuff and I am so grateful and flattered that she chose to share some personal issues that she had never told me about. We have agreed its only going to be friends with benefits going forward. Why does it not hurt as much as it should? I guess we have evolved for the better. Why didn't we shag like rabbits considering she stayed with me? She certainly isn't shy about what she liked. I discovered a few things about what she liked and as a consequence, so did I. So why didn't I explore this further? She once asked what if she was too vanilla for me? I don't think she is. But I lost my chance to experiment a bit further. Still, the sex was really good, even though in hindsight it felt like we were just going through the motions. For someone who likes watching, why didn't I have the lights on more? It wasn't just about sex though. I quite liked the fact we got a chance to act like a couple. Simple things like walking down the road holding hands, kissing, hugging and the like. So why didn't it hurt so much when she said 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you'? Is it because its true? I guess so. And I'm fine with that now. I would still love a do-over though. Just us, no distractions. Thats not the emotional side speaking, its the pervert.

P is for . . .

2011-04-04T15:00:00.002+01:00

. . . Patience My momma once said, Good things come to those who wait. Well, not really, she said one day God will reward you. Am I about to get my reward for my patience? Well, it's been 10 years plus since A and I were last together. And now we have a chance to reconnect. I had come to terms that we were only ever going to be together in spirit. But times are changing. With her visit we hope find out if the connection is still there. Should be fun. I don't think we should think long term just yet. There are too many problems that have to be overcome. I think the connection is still there. Even when we agreed we were not meant to be, there was still a connection. Is it because I never really gave up? Living in fantasy land? Anyway, that's beside the point. She is coming here and I plan to visit her there, maybe in October. I'm hoping everything goes well. Anyway, just under one month to go, or should I say, to come. So, maybe, patience really does pay off. . . . Pessimism. I've been there. Not now though. My faith has been renewed. Time will only tell where we go with this. Time for optimism.

O is for . . .

2011-03-19T15:31:00.002Z

. . .Obsession. Sad to say, I think I have one. How can anyone in their right mind be enamoured of someone they have never lived with, only had a brief fling with? I don't even know if we fit together. Yes, there have been long conversations over the years. Yes, I think there is a mental connection, but at some stage reality has to take precedence. I cannot explain it. It just is. But its not healthy. I realise that, but still can't stop thinking about her. Even when I accepted we were not going to be together. What the hell is wrong with me? I like being in control. Still, escape from reality is sometimes therapeutic. Even if only for a little while. Like she said to me, enjoy the now, not the then/past.

N is for . . .

2011-03-12T23:04:00.004Z

. . . Need. I just did this survey sent to me by A. What is your love language? It seems what I need more than anything is physical contact. That is so ironic considering I seem to have more long distance relationships than the norm. All of them failed ones. Even if A plans to visit the UK in April. I don't think we will have more than a week together then its back to reality. Still, that's what we Pisces people seem to thrive on, an escape from reality. Still, I'm looking forward to it. The questions kept referring to my wife. I don't have one yet but I think she could be a good fit. There's me ignoring good advice again. Don't dwell on the past so much that you ignore the present and the future. Good advice but can't say I've done much of that. Although I have been a bit shallow in recent months, just thinking about the now, and quick fixes, mainly physical. No details, no connections. Lets just leave it at that.
. . .Nada, Nil, No idea. That's what I know about how we are going to reconnect. I guess nothing beats starting from scratch. Or just taking it at face value and enjoying the limited time we will have together, after so many years. We are both different people now so it should be good, making new memories, discovering new things. We talked the other day and it was a surprisingly normal conversation about nothing in particular. I think the most important thing was hearing each others voices, accents, mundane day to day stuff.
That's it for now. Its been a while since I blogged but I plan to get back into the swing of things.

M is for . . .

2010-09-14T23:47:00.002+01:00

. . .Memories
Memories of random things. Starting with A. The first time we had sex. At her mentors flat in Central London. Renting a motel room for a night, just for sex. In a field, which I later found out was a dogging spot. In the car park at work. Aah, innocence and lust. Young love. Or should I say, lust. I believe it has evolved into love since the physical connection is no longer there. Thousands of miles separate us. Going to someones wedding with her and looking at her in some strappy heels and a short dress, thinking, WOW. Long phone conversations when things started going wrong. Feeling scared for her when she was thousands of miles away and pregnant by me. Knowing she could never have it over there. Relief that she is a survivor and can take care of herself. Thinking now to myself, she is a badass and I want her even more because she is so independent and strong. Even though she always second guesses herself, she keeps going.
Memories of my mom. When I ran away to live with my dad, she fought for me. And I'm glad she did. Memories of the last things we said to each other. It was, 'I love you' and 'I love you too'. The next day she was gone. I remember waking up suddenly at 3 in the morning thinking, Fuck, I'm late for work. I looked at the clock and thought it was 7, but it was 3. I personally think that's when she started having trouble. They only called my sister at 6 in the morning saying she had taken a turn for the worse and she needed to get there. By the time my sister got to the hospital, she was gone.
Memories of my son being born. Of crying like a baby. I had more emotion than my mom and my baby mother/ex. So glad I was there though. Looking at pics of him as a baby and looking at him now, 12 years later. Telling me he can take care of himself. And of course he can. I still baby him though. Trying to do everything for him, even running his bath when he is over at mine. WTF, he's 12. He can run the tub himself. I used to have doubts whether he was really mine (His mom was very liberal with the pussy, to put it bluntly.) And I never had a problem with it. Yes, really. But when I look at some of his traits, no one can tell me he isn't mine. The way he sleeps, his anger management issues, etc. Now if I can get him signed up to Cadets and start his journey, that would be great. Sadly for his mom, one of my favourite pics of him as a baby was me, him, and A sitting next to me. Thinking, what a lovely family.
Memories of deaths again. Of my best friend from training school, who never made it past the first year on the job. Ambushed and gunned down by a crackhead he was chasing. His name was PC Marlon Marvell. I still remember you bro. Who can forget you with a superhero name like that?
Memories of happy drunken times. Of drinking Sambuca shots till I threw up. Of my 21st birthday being a bust. Falling asleep at 3 in the morning watching skeet shooting on telly. My 25th where I was soaked with beer while sandwiched between two hot girls on the dance floor. I got soaked because my hands went where they shouldn't have.
Memories of revenge. Of arresting someone and thinking to myself. I bet you don't remember beating me up in secondary/high school, but I remember. Who's laughing now fucker? Of the haters that tried to discourage me coming to England.
I could go on forever. . . .

L is for . . .

2010-09-09T17:15:00.002+01:00

. . .Love.
I wonder if she realises I still love her. That even though I said I'll move on, I never did. I'm still waiting. And hoping. I still think about her every day, every night. Imagining what our kids would be like, what our lives would be like. She said something about two souls being destined for each other one time. Is it possible she is wrong about the soul she thought was the one connected to hers? That it was not him, but me? Miles apart, religions apart, worlds apart. Her latest posts indicate she is lonely and is considering starting afresh somewhere abroad, like I suggested ages ago. I really want to tell her the offer is still on the table. Come here please.
. . . Loneliness.
She said she is lonely. Me being who I am, I take it to mean she wants me to call her. Convince her the right choice is to cut all ties and move on. I could be very wrong. Do I take the risk of being wrong? Is this a phase that will pass? I don't want her to give up on the one thing more important than anything else, her son. Even though it seems he is brainwashed against her. Surely that's a phase. He will grow out of it. But then, I want her for myself. But I want her to fight. Not to give up. Even for the sake of love that could be. (WTH, I love you, even if you might not have the same level of love for me.) But I digress. Think about the love that is now. Even if its one-sided. For now. Years from now he will remember what you gave up for him, and love you even more for it.
Basically my message to A is - Don't give up on him, even though the odds seem stacked against you. Even though it seems that no one cares. Even though there is someone who will be more than happy to make a new family with you. Yes, that's what I want more than anything else right now. But sometimes the right choices hurt the most. And I'm hurting. Telling you to stay, when I clearly don't want you to.

K is for . . .

2010-08-30T09:47:00.002+01:00

. . .Karma. Do good things and good things happen to you. Do bad things and bad things happen to you.
I like to think I'm a good person. I am very close to my family. I try to be as supportive as I can to people around me. I don't commit crimes. I don't look down on anyone regardless of the position they are in. Sometimes you just cant win. I am a very open minded person, most of the time, but some things piss me off. Then the evil thoughts begin. Case in point. These societies who punish women, only the women, for things like infidelity. Or even rape. You see these stories all the time in the news. Why don't the men who push these horribles ideals of right get whats coming to them? Where is the karma? They spout rubbish like honor and the like, but abuse those weaker than themselves. Please. Get a life, or better yet, a horrible death.
Why is it that only people with good in their hearts get shit on? This makes me want to be a horrible person. Why be nice when nothing good ever happens to you? Well, I wouldn't go that far in my case. I'm just having a rant. My life isn't misery. I make decent money. Not enough, but enough to live on. I have very supportive people in my life, namely, family. I have a wonderful son who dotes on me. I'm just frustrated that I cannot get what I want. Not, what I need, what I want. The love of my life, (no matter what she says about this, you know who you are). Like she says, I'll eventually find someone who I will love as much, but that won't change how I feel about her now. A lot more money to make my life more comfortable, a house of my own, more kids, etc. None of these things I want seems to be materialising. Why cant I be rewarded for being a good person? So much for karma. I wonder if it's because I want more?

J is for . . .

2010-07-15T02:12:00.003+01:00

. . .Jobs. I've only had two proper jobs my whole life. My first was as a police officer in the Caribbean. I joined at 19 and spent the next eight years doing it. That was truly my calling. I know how much bullshit and paperwork you have to do, but if I could have it back, that would be perfect. However, I never was able to realise my dream once I got to London. And yes, some of it is my fault. At 40, I have now given up on that dream of once again being a police officer. But I have some crazy stories about my experiences, including one of how I came within centimeters of getting stabbed. Multiple times. Lets just say there were 3 holes in my shirt when the whole thing was over. Thank God for partners, I say. I spent a couple of years working in the equivalent of SWAT. We only handled serious crimes, drugs warrants, fugitive apprehension, surveillance, etc. It was a small force of just about 100 officers, but I was still able to get a wide exposure to different types of experiences. The island is one of the few remaining British colonies, by the way.
Anyway, moving on. Recently in the UK there has been armed attacks on police officers by criminals, whose families have now come forward to say the police were wrong in the way they responded. For those people, I say, STFU. Where were you when the person was falling into the state they ended up in? Case in point, that lawyer in West London who was shot by the police. His family were trying to sue the police, saying they overreacted. This guy was shooting from his window at anyone he could see, including the police. What were they supposed to do? Talk him out? They tried that for hours. And the current case, Raoul Moat. Now the police are being criticized for excessive force by using taser rounds, because the weapon has not been approved for use in the UK. Get a fucking life people. This guy shot 3 unarmed people, one of them a policeman. And he shot himself, maybe because he knew he had an audience. That's the problem with the UK. Too many bleeding hearts. Suppose it was you or a member of your family? Would you still be so supportive of the human rights of a criminal.
In my eyes, when you commit a crime you lose that right. You do the crime, you do the time. I'm not saying go overboard, but Jail should be a deterrent. And all too often, its not. The sheriff in Maricopa County, Arizona, has the right idea. IMO.
Obviously, I'm very pro police. And I'm all for the routine arming of all UK police officers. Theres loads of debate on some of the police blogs I follow, with some saying some police officers cant be trusted with a sharpened pencil. You find that in every job, Deal with it. What do you think, they are just going to be issued with a gun and shoved out the office? At the very least, every bobby on the beat should at least have a taser. There's the compromise. Less than lethal, but effective against armed criminals. In some measure. Obviously in some situations, its not enough, but that's where the ARVs come into play. Better trained, heavier weaponry, etc. Back home we only had to qualify once a year, but the initial test was a killer. If you pass that, qualifying would be a doddle. Go for a run, get nice and sweaty, then run through a teargas filled room, without a mask, then come out and start shooting from 25 yards out. And you had to do this with 4 different weapons.
I'm way off topic now. My second job, which, I'm still doing, is as a security guard. I started doing this when I got to the UK and never changed. I started in retail but now I do corporate security. Just a glorified door opener. There is nothing wrong with being a minion, however, I do get bored sometime. I've run large teams in the retail years but now I'm just one of the little fish. I'm sure I could do better by myself, but dont feel like change at the moment. In fact, I doubt I ever will again, or in the near future. Change, that is. At present, I do shifts. I work 4 days, 3 nights, then 4 off. Then3 days, 4 nights then 4 off. I kinda like it. The variety, if you can call it that. Anyway, thats enough rambling and waffling about jobs.

I is for . . .

2010-05-31T21:06:00.002+01:00

. . . Idiots. Namely, drunken idiots. While at work last night, I saw one of these oh so common creatures. I just happened to be at the front of the building when I heard some banging noises, so I looked out. This guy was kicking the shit out of a hire van parked next to Berkeley Square. He then started kicking the wing mirror and then yanking at it trying to break it. As cars were passing he would run at them and try and hit them. He left the hire van and moved on to the next car in line. a Ford Focus. He gave it a few kicks then on to the next one. A lovely white Porsche. Started booting that as well. I didn't wait any longer. Time for 999. While on the phone to the police he started yanking and kicking the wing mirror on the Porsche until he got it completely of the car. He then ran off down a side street only to reappear a few seconds later, still with the wing mirror in his hand. He then started running at passing cars, trying to hit them. One of the cars he tried to hit was a black cab and right behind it was a police van. Right time, right place. They didn't waste any time in nicking him.
I can't understand the mentality of people like that. No matter how rat-arsed I get, I cannot see myself fucking up other peoples stuff, for no reason. I could imagine how pissed the owner of the Porsche is going to be. Nobody knows how hard he had to work to get his toy. Assuming he wasn't born rich. Still, there is no reason for stupid shit like that.
Another incident that happened a few weeks ago. This guy who turned out to live in the posh flats at the back of my building was walking back and forth up the street and in the square, shouting and swearing his head off. For more than an hour. One minute it was nigger this and the next it was white bastards. Confused? No, just another drunken idiot. He kept walking up to security at Mortons and swearing at them. Kicking street furniture, taking off his jacket and trowing it on the ground, etc. The police eventually turned up and spoke to him. Think he got the message as he went home shortly after.
Some people.
. . .Imagination. Namely, mine. The things that go through my mind sometimes. Most of it is smut related. No surprise there. Other stuff is sci-fi related, since I am an avid reader of that genre. Is there life out there? I'd like to think so. One of my favourite authors is John Ringo, with his Posleen series. I love that stuff. With the human warrior scenario and life enhancing/rejuvenation technology, and interstellar travel. I also imagine myself winning the lottery and what I would do with the money. How my dream house would look, what cars I would have. How I would take care of my sisters. My brothers would still live with me. I would have a big enough house so we could all have our own space. Travel, and of course, finding myself a wife and settling down. Of course there would be smutty adventures along the way. In far flung exotic places with gorgeous women. Yes, I'm still a pervert.

H is for . . .

2010-05-25T21:31:00.002+01:00

. . . Hope. Hope that I actually meet someone. Hope that this Match thing works for me. Even though I haven't had any success yet. I am still persevering though. My luck has got to change.
. . . Hardon, and nowhere to stick it. Yes, I know, relationships are more than just sex, but I dont think I can do without it.
. . . House. I always dream about owning my own house. How many rooms it would have. Where it is going to be. How many houses I would have. So, one in England, one in the Caribbean, one in America. For starters. At least 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, at least a 2 car garage. Now all I need are the winning Euromillion lottery numbers.
Having a bit of a block at the moment so thats all for now.

G is for . . .

2010-05-11T04:18:00.002+01:00

. . . Games
I'll start with a list of some of my favourite games. No, we are not talking about sex games, although those are pretty fun as well. I'm talking video games.
Grand Theft Auto, all titles up to now. Have bought and played most of them. Vice City, San Andreas, GTA IV.
Command and Conquer, notably Red Alert 2, Yuri's Revenge, Generals, Zero Hour, and now Tiberium Wars.
Need For Speed series. Most Wanted, Underground 2 and Carbon. Never really got into the others.
Total Annihilation. I used to play this game for hours on end. Even forgetting to eat on occasion. How sad is that? When Supreme Commander came out, I was quite excited initially, but never really got into it.
Spore. I still play this game. And I got the expansion pack Galactic Adventures. I think its really cool. Starting as a single celled organism all the way into space and beyond. And you dictate how your creation looks and behaves.
Call of Duty Modern Warfare and Modern Warfare 2. Wasn't so much into MW beyond the missions but I'm really into playing MW2 online. My brothers laugh at me though, because I curse so much.
Red Dead Redemption. Really looking forward to this when it finally comes out.
And we cannot forget about all those Facebook games like Mafia Wars, Farmville, Vampire Wars, Wordscraper and Bejeweled Blitz.

F is for . . .

2010-05-08T17:09:00.002+01:00

. . . Food
I love trying different types of cuisines from all over the world. Some of my most fondly remembered experiences include, but are not limited, to the following.
Red Lobster. Mainly for the garlic biscuits. No, not the lobster, even though that is pretty good. Every time I've been there, we have always ordered extra biscuits to take away.
Cece's Pizza in Atlanta. The kids , including me, had a blast last time we were all there together. Any topping, any combination, sweet or savoury.
Country Buffet on Buford Highway. I think its closed now though.
There was also this place close to Stone Mountain that does some amazing cheese steak. The place looks really run down but apparently does really good business.
While we are on American food, I have to include snacks. Namely, Cheetos. I could eat a whole bag in one sitting. All that salt. Definitely worth it. The only problem is that its not sold in the UK so I have been known to make a small bag last more than a week. It's like crack. Just a couple of bites a day. So every time someone I know heads to the States, I beg them to bring me back some Cheetos. Invariably though, they never do. They just don't understand. (sob) So anyone on that side of the pond that wants to, feel free to send me some. I'll suck your dick for some Cheetos. No, not really, but you get my drift. (no homo)
TGI Friday. Speaks for itself. Can't go wrong there. Last time I went there (last Saturday) I had a whole rack of ribs, and finished it no problem. And all my sides as well. Yep, I prepared, Stayed hungry till I got there.
I want to try Bodeans BBQ next but my sister suggested The Big Easy. I think its Cajun or BBQ. Not sure yet. Still, it's a night out, so why not?
When I went to Prague I had to try the local cuisine and was pleasantly surprised. Not really surprised, but I like rich flavourful food and they (Czechs) certainly know how to do that.
I also love watching food programs like Anthony Bourdain, Kitchen Nightmares, Man vs Food, Planet Food, Come Dine With Me(Dave Lamb is the man), and various other foodie shows from around the world. My way of tasting from a distance. My brothers watch it most times with me, but they are not as adventurous when it comes to actually trying it. But that's them. I like trying different things. How do you know if you are going to like something if you don't actually try it? But, to contradict myself, there are always exceptions. Like, birds nest soup, and insects. But we won't talk about that, because that's just gross. Some things are only palatable if you are from the relevant culture that sees it as normal.
Moving on swiftly, CHEETOS, people, CHEETOS!!!! Keep that in mind when you come to London. Or if you want to send me some via snail mail. I'm easy.

E is for . . .

2010-04-27T22:42:00.004+01:00

. . . Exhibitionist
Being the pervert that I am, this is one of my favourite creatures. The name voyeur is no coincidence. I love women who know they look good and are not afraid to strut their stuff. You know you have nice legs, you wear short skirts. You have nice boobs, you wear low cut or tight tops. You have a nice ass, you wear tight trousers/skirts.
I people watch all the time. I just love admiring the female form, but as we all know its not polite to stare. So, on the tube in the morning, walking down the road, sitting in the pub, etc. I'll be doing my best to be discreet. They don't have to be dressed revealingly. Classy works for me as well. Just a flash of skin every now and again. On another tangent, I'm not a breast man, I'm an ass man, but I look at everything. The curve of the breasts, glimpses of lacy bras. Hints of nipples outlined, VPL, lips, FM boots. The little black dress. Evening dresses with the long split. Pencil skirts. Push up bras. Big nipples. Thongs. A nice curvy ass. Long dark hair. Strappy sandals. Killer heels. Tattoos. Strip clubs. Just some of the things which appeal to me.
In an ideal world, that is who I end up with. Someone who is outgoing, but discreet. To indulge me in my fetish. Someone who likes people watching as well. We could have so much fun playing our little games. That is one attraction I have for swingers parties. I get to watch the action.

D is for . . .

2010-04-18T23:02:00.002+01:00

. . .Dreams
We all have them. Some might say its your subconscious talking to you. If that is the case, mine are telling me to get laid. Yep, the last one was about sex. Go figure. I wonder why. Not. That's always on my mind. In this dream, I had an embarrassing moment. Premature ejaculation. Lying on my back waiting for the cowgirl to be implemented, but when I saw that lovely sight coming down on my dick, it was just too much. Blew my load. Luckily, it was only in the dream. Didn't wake up in a wet spot. See, that's why wanking is good, you release the pressure that way. Doesn't completely fix it, but it helps. A lot. Obviously, I can really be called a wanker. Because I have been. TMI? Who cares? Gotta do something. And I've been trying to be good. Staying away from WGs. For now.
. . . Dating.
Embarrassingly, I haven't been on any since I joined Match. Definitely still hopeful though. My luck will improve. I hope. I've had a few conversations, but none have turned into actual dates. On a positive note, I do have a 'date' coming up on the 1st of May. It's with someone I know from back home and is friends with on Facebook. And yes, she is hot. I would in a heartbeat. It's actually a double date. My sister and her husband will be there as well. Some people might think it's strange, but my sister is cool, and she knows my kinks and some of my secrets, so I don't mind. Should be fun.
. . . Dads.
I grew up without mine in my life. And for all the people blaming single mothers and deadbeat dads for the feral kids of today. Shut the fuck up. I'm not a criminal and neither is any of my siblings. We are not damaged in any way. We have morals and don't require therapy. Well, some morals. And the therapy that's needed is to deal with the loss of my mother. So there. Teach your kids good values and discipline and everything will be OK. I sometimes worry if I spend enough time interacting with my son, but we do communicate and I see him almost every week. So even if I'm not with his mother, he is turning out OK. My dad was not in my life up until I was about 12, but then reestablished contact. Even tried for custody once, but my mom wouldn't have it. Then on and off for a few years till I joined the police. Then he was so proud. Used to brag about me all the time. Since I came to the UK, however, the contact with him has lapsed. I sometimes wonder about him though. Feeling bad that he doesn't really have anyone anymore. But what can I do? I have my own life to live, and my own family to look after. I can't afford to maintain contact. Even though I want to. I would still love to be able to support him financially, as that is the major need now. Haven't spoken to him in a few years now, since my mom died. Who knows when that will change?

C is for . . .

2010-03-31T00:37:00.002+01:00

Cars. I love cars. I love shows like Pimp my Ride, Custom my Ride, Wrecks to Riches, Chop Shop, etc, but nothing beats what they do on Overhaulin. And all in seven days. Anyway, this is a sample of what would be in my dream garage.

Audi RS4
Ford Mustang (both new and old)
Chevy Impala (around 2004)
Range Rover Sport Supercharged
Mercedes S600 (new)
Subaru Impreza (the most recent one with the big spoiler)
Ford Focus RS
Dodge Challenger SRT8 (new)
Ford Explorer (new)

B is for . . .

2010-03-28T21:24:00.002+01:00

Brothers. Cant live with them, cant live without them. They can be such slobs sometimes. Dishes in the sink for ages, until I plead with someone to do them, or do it myself. Clothes all over the place in their room. Whenever they use the dryer, I have to empty it as they only take out an item when they need it. So being the idiot I am, I sorted out their clothes the other day. Folded them and put some on hangers. The dirty clothes I left on the floor and told them they need to do some laundry. Three days later and they have only done one load. WTF? It's not like you have to do it by hand. Put it in the machine and go back on the game. Oh, and the one load they did, is still sitting in the dryer. On the other hand, we very rarely argue. Since my mom died and we started living together, I cant imagine it much different. I would like some privacy sometimes but generally I'm happy to have them around. Even if they are pigs.

Bondage. The perverted side of me. I keep reminiscing about the party I went to on NYE. I'll never be as good as the rope masters I saw in action. Not my thing. It's more about the restraint for me. Of having the woman at my mercy for my dirty fun. I'm not one of these purists completely hooked on the aesthetics. So, no ropes for me. Handcuffs, gags, blindfolds. That just reminds me my toys have not been christened yet. I like the idea of me in charge, doing what I like to you. Mostly sexual stuff, of course. Oh, and I promise to try my best to get the woman off. That's part of the fun for me. Seeing a woman cum. Not so much into the pain thing. Pleasure is where it's at. There will be some pain, but the emphasis is on pleasure. Mine and yours. At my pace.

Broke and Bored. Completely broke at the moment. Yep. Overspent again. And as a result, I'm bored. Can't do anything. No dates, no partying, no WGs. Just wanking. A lot. Hey, nothing wrong with that, is there? However, nothing beats the interaction, the feeling of skin against skin. The sweat, the smell, the sounds, the heat, etc.

A is for . . . .

2010-03-09T04:04:00.002Z

Anal - Two meanings. Yes, I can be sometimes, and yes, my favourite kind of porn. And while we are on that subject, Amateur, also very good. I've decided to have the next run of topics be based on a particular letter. So we start with the first letter of the alphabet. A. And trust me with my mind in the gutter even though I'm ill with a cold to come up with a porn theme. So lets add Apathy, since I can't be asked, and Adventure. Even though I can't have any.
Someone close to me introduced me to anal sex years ago and I've been fascinated ever since. I just thought, I never asked her what it was about anal sex that got her off. It would not be right to ask her today though as we are no longer together. I wonder. Maybe I could. But we are no longer intimate. It's a kind of personal subject. And how do you drop that into a conversation? Some things are probably left unanswered. Or unasked.
Androgyny- Do not get it at all. Make your mind up.
Avatar- I really should make an effort to go see it at the IMAX.
Aspirin-
Animal rights - at the risk of upsetting some people, but humans come before animals. Don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning animal cruelty, but I believe in using animals for drug testing before human trials. It's all for the greater good, people.
Avarice - there is nothing wrong with wanting more, so long as this doesn't affect someone else adversely.

The Big 40

2010-02-25T23:28:00.002Z

Yep, I'm 40 years old today. When I say it, it seems so old. Is this the time that people have midlife crisises? Time is certainly flying. It seems like just yesterday my son was a toddler and now I'm thinking about how to find time to take him to sign up to cadets. I certainly don't feel much more mature. Well, beyond dreaming about winning the lottery and buying houses for my two sisters and one for me and my two brothers, and travelling the world. Well, I'm at work at the moment but plan to celebrate on Sunday. My two sisters are coming over for dinner. Quite looking forward to it. Even though I'll be doing most of the cooking. It is my house though so I have to. I don't mind it. I like cooking. Oh, my present from my work colleagues was brilliant. Sugar free chocolate for diabetics http://www.thorntons.co.uk/ThorntonsSite/product/For_diabetics/3147.htm. I'll see how they taste on Sunday.
Well, as a celebration of turning 40 today, I treated myself last night, I visited a WG. I have to say, I know its not ideal, but I had a brilliant time. She was very good at what she did. Plus she gave an amazing massage. Which is surprising in itself as most of these places are not known for good massages. Except for the Oriental ones. They tend to be OK. Anyway, I know I shouldn't, but I plan to go back to this one. I've always been a sucker for a good massage. And it certainly helps that the original reason for visiting is quite good as well. Her initial party trick was to put the condom on with her mouth. Yes, I know I'm shallow. I also know its a job for them, and is not a long term solution for me. But, for an hour at least, I can have that intimate connection with someone.
Next. Match.com. Haven't actually met anyone physically yet, but have spoken with at least three women. None of which has resulted in a meeting. But at least there is interest. Initially I was feeling a bit jaded, but have now gotten over that. I'll just keep plugging away, sending winks, and emails. It seems to be a numbers game. Flood the market. Something will pop up, eventually. Its just the waiting that's getting me. After all, I'm not getting any younger. Fuck, I'm 40 years old.

Mortality

2010-01-28T01:06:00.002Z

The sudden death of a close colleague has me a bit at odds. That's to say, I don't know how I feel. It was just the other day we were laughing and joking during the shift change. I called his house on Monday night to ask him something, but there was no answer. I thought nothing of it. I just figured he was out with family or something. It turns out he was in hospital, in a coma, having had a heart attack. When I came in on Tuesday night, the day supervisor told me he had had a heart attack and was in hospital. Again, I didn't think much of it. I just figured, oh the worst that would happen was his doctor telling him he would really have to retire this time. He was 69 years old. I was so shocked when I came in tonight to be told he had passed away. I'm not going to weep and wail, but he was a really nice bloke. He will definitely be missed. Makes you wonder sometimes. He did not drink or smoke and regularly went to the gym.
It reminded me of my mom. She didn't smoke, never worked in a smoky environment, yet she developed lung cancer. That's what killed her. Not the blood clot. That just spared us the pain of the long chemo sessions that were very likely to fail. She was terminal. One thing that always gets me was that she always maintained she wanted to go home. She never got the chance. I'm choked up just writing about this. She was the youngest of her siblings and she was the first to go. My uncle, who was the oldest, went a year later. Suddenly as well.
They say life is short and you should enjoy it while you can. So that is my message. Enjoy life. Make sure that the people that care about you will have these amazing stories of the crazy shit you did. That way, you live forever.

Monday Musing #1

2010-01-25T21:43:00.002Z

I sometimes wonder if I can truly call myself dominant. I certainly want to be the one in charge, but this is mainly to do with play. I have always been a shy person and like most people have my moments of self doubt. Take this Internet dating thing. I've sent out so many emails but have only one solid contender for a date. Makes me wonder if I'm as marketable as I think I am. It certainly knocks the self esteem when no one seems to be interested in me.
This one contender has as her tag line, Good things come to those that wait. How much longer should I wait? We have been exchanging texts for a couple of weeks now but still haven't met. We were supposed to meet the other week but the inclement weather meant a cancellation. Hopefully this will happen in the near future. I told her I was off this week so will try and set up a date. She was the one who initiated contact so that is a plus. In the meantime, I'll keep plugging away, sending out those winks and emails. There's bound to be some result from perseverence.

Thing are happening

2010-01-12T18:19:00.002Z

Things seem to be improving on Match.com. I'm not as jaded as I was before. Even though I sent out tons of emails, I got very few responses. Almost always rejections. However over the last few days I've been exchanging messages with a potential date. I don't know why I'm surprised but she was the one who initiated contact. she was also the one who suggested meeting for a drink. This I like. A confident woman. And she is Asian, and pretty, and seems very down to earth. We haven't spoken much though, but, its early days. If we don't meet this week, I'll have to wait till week after next. Not a problem though. Her tag line is "Good things come to those that wait." So I'll wait. In the meantime however, I'm still sending winks and emails. I figure if I send a wink, the woman will send me back one to indicate interest. Fingers crossed.

Brand Spanking New Year

2010-01-01T16:40:00.002Z

What a fitting end to the old year and start to the new. For my NY fun and games, I went to my first play session, courtesy of my friends at the Brentwood Munch. I loved it. We missed the countdown completely because some people were getting spanked. The initial idea was to spank in the New Year, but the spankers and spankees got lost in the moment. No complaints there. I think everyone had fun. It was a smallish gathering, about 25 to 30 people. It was a real eyeopener for me. Got to see some riggers in action. And of course the beatings. Even just watching was very interesting for me. Everyone knew each other so there was no tension or embarrassment. Just play. Cant wait till the next one.
On the down side, I had to work today. Stayed up all night, got a serious buzz on and have been suffering all day as a result.

Interracial Dating

2009-12-09T20:02:00.002Z

I have always preferred white or Asian women. Even when I was a teenager I preferred light skinned black girls or white girls. I have no idea why. Growing up in the Caribbean, I had limited opportunities to date my preference. My first serious girlfriend was white. My first serious crush was light skinned. Its just the way I'm wired. You might think I want to be white but that's far from the truth. The thing that gets me off the most is the contrast, the difference.
So, you might think living in London, it would be easy for me, being such a multi cultural city. Well, I have to admit, its not a big deal here to see couples of different races. Yet, I have a problem finding a date. If I wasn't so stubborn, I would have given up already. My self worth has certainly suffered, feeling unwanted.
My Match.com experience so far is not helping either. I've sent 22 emails so far, but not one response. Not even a rejection. I have no choice but to proceed though. I need to be part of a couple. I need someone in my life. My random escapades are nothing but scratching an itch. And the easiest way to do that sometimes is just paying for it. So now I'm spoiled. I have no idea how to attract women. Or so I feel sometimes. Anyway, my experiences with Match are making me crazy. I think its quite a good site but when they tell me someone is one of my matches, and the person doesn't even have Black listed as a preference for a potential date. They list Caucasian, and I'm Black. How is that a match? Wake the fuck up!
Here's another thing. And this is a stereotype that rings true a lot of the time. Asian girls don't date black guys. They would sooner bring home a white guy rather than a brother. They might have a fling with a black guy during their rebellious phases, but they would never let their family know. I suppose A was an exception, but I still don't think her family would have accepted it. I think my connection with her spoiled me even more. I don't know if it's because Brown people are the middle ground between Black and White.

Internet Dating

2009-12-07T21:27:00.003Z

I just signed up for a couple of dating sites. OKCupid and Match. I find Match to be the more promising one. Their subscription is a bit pricey but I figure its better than living in la-la land aka AFF. Made a few new connections on AFF but that's about it. Doesn't help I've been doing extra shifts recently as well. Anyway, I figure its time I actually started trying for a real relationship or at the very least, going on a few dates. However, that's easier said than done. I sent out about 10 emails pretty much saying hello and asking a few questions in the hope of getting a response. So much for that. Yes ladies, I know you probably get tons of emails, but a rejection does loads more than no response. Some of us have enough esteem problems already. Yes, I am one of those.
I'm at the stage where I don't know what to say to get a response. I feel like I'm a teenager again. Do you offer compliments or continue along the line of asking questions to generate a response. Any response. On the plus side, there is a lot of choice and a very personalised search tool. I have to say I feel quite good about signing up. I haven't been on a date in years. I've been concentrating too much on the seedy side of life. The have your fun and goodbye type of life. Time for a change. That could be my new resolution. Actively seeking a relationship. That however brings up another problem. Women can smell desperation. Then again, if you are on a dating site you are actually looking for someone as well. End of the day, if anyone ever replies to my winks and emails, I might have some platonic fun. And eventually find a relationship.

Friday Fill Ins #153

2009-12-04T22:56:00.002Z

1. You get off the fucking fags.

2. You know its right to make yourself feel better .

3. It's about fucking time you got some willpower.

4. It's so fucking ridiculous!

5. I feel more guilty about this than most other things I've done.

6. Thank you, . . . and good night.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to getting over the next two days at work. Tomorrow my plans include counting down the hours til I'm off. And Sunday, I want to pick up my son in the morning and go to my sisters house in the afternoon for Sunday dinner.

My own TMI/Confession Tuesday

2009-11-24T22:17:00.002Z

Since I started back at the gym a few weeks ago, I have been pretty strong. No fags, even with the constant craving. Well, so much for willpower. I've had about 4 fags this week, even with my gym sessions. Yes, I'm disappointed with myself but WTF, I'm no superman. I have no solutions to this relapse. Just keep at it, I suppose.
I had a wet dream this morning. Is that my subconscious saying I need to get laid? Who knows. But as with all dreams, it was pretty intense. I was in public. Me and the woman in question went into a slightly dark corner of an alley, where I had her up against a wall, facing me. For some reason, I didn't use protection I just stuck my dick in. I remember she was especially tight and moaned a lot when I was shoving it in. A few seconds and I was done. Yes, she seemed to be enjoying it as much as me. Then I woke up. In my rush to get to the toilet I banged my leg really hard against the edge of the bed. Is that karma saying I should have known better than to do it without protection? That was the only drawback. Wet dreams - the best sex ever.
On a related note, maybe I watch too much porn. And wank too much. If there is such a thing for a singleton like myself. I think not. I do realise it's fantasy, not reality. And we all know, reality bites. Sometimes.

Mirrors and No Smoke

2009-11-21T16:11:00.003Z

Well, week two of this trying to give up smoking lark. Starting back at the gym really helps, but sometimes I get these terrible cravings. Its not just the nicotine, its the smoke, the smell that I like. I can already feel the difference though. It really does make you feel different when you quit. I've managed to go to the gym twice each week so far. I remember the last time I used to be able to get up to level 14 on the treadmill. Its early days so I'm only going as high as level 12. Got to pace yourself. A little bit is still always better than nothing at all. I'm on night shift tomorrow, so I will be going back on Monday morning. I'm actually enjoying going to the gym, until I get there and actually have to work out. Then afterwards, I feel really good with myself.
TMI time. One of the things they say that smoking affects is libido. It makes you impotent. I don't know if its guilt at not going to the gym but I convinced myself I was having problems in that department. The last time I visited a WG, I had problems. Don't know why, since I don't have a problem knocking one out. Yep, the old fella kept rising and falling. Eventually managed to come even without being completely hard. I kept trying to analyse myself after. Is it because I am liking the BDSM aspect of sex more, or is it that visiting a WG is now too vanilla. Why? When you get what you pay for. Am I too much of a nice guy to ask for what I want? Moving on, I let my AFF account lapse. I started getting attention from all of these fake profiles from as far away as Africa. I signed up to OKCupid as a replacement. I just need to get an OK photo up and hopefully will get some vanilla dates out of it. I figure its a good change from chasing kink and random experiences. Nothing wrong with stepping back and taking a different direction every now and again. Fucking hell, I'm all over the place here. Well, it is my blog. I can ramble if I want to. So that is the way forward for the moment. Going to the gym, maybe making some new vanilla acquaintances, working on staying smoke free, getting some dates. Fuck, I just had another urge for a cigarette. I get get stressed out during the day because I can't smoke, then it's fine once I get to the gym, then the cycle starts again the next morning when I get to work. Its not even like there is anyone else around who smokes. It's just me. You can tell I don't really want to give up. I'm just one of those people that actually like smoking, even when I know I'm better off without it. Good thing I'm stubborn and like having my own way, even if its being over myself. Schizophrenic in training here. I'll be talking to myself next. see what giving up smoking does to you. It has been said that you are never really cured of addictions. That could actually be true. I have quit several times over the years. Once, back in the day, because the girl I was dating didn't drink or smoke, so neither did I. Until we broke up. Then I started again. I quit again when I started with the gym. Stayed smoke free for well over a year, then for some reason, I started smoking again. Carried on smoking for well over a year, then quit again. A year at the gym, then back on the fags for another year, until now. Who knows how long I last this time.

So Far, So Good, I Am

2009-11-12T22:35:00.002Z

Well, its now Day 4 of the smoke free regime. In other words, my latest attempt at quitting smoking. So far, so good. I get these cravings but have managed to resist. I've managed to go to the gym twice this week. I figure that's enough for this week. Don't want to overdo it. First one on Monday, I only did one set of most of the exercises I used to do when I was going 3 or more times a week. The workout tonight was more intense. Managed to do a bit more. I had intentions of going last night but due to unforeseen issues at work, didn't get out until 8 pm. I considered going for at least a run but changed my mind. Then as I was leaving work, went to take out my fags like I normally do, but then remembered I quit. I had to laugh to myself. Its funny how you do some things without thinking. I don't have a problem in the mornings when I normally have a fag with my cappuccino. That's good, I think. Oh, I still have my coffee, but no cigarettes. I actually feel quite good tonight as a result of not smoking. Another odd thing, in my pile of mail was a copy of Men's Fitness which I don't remember ordering. Must be a sign. Nope, its just a marketing ploy. With real good timing. Oh and lets not leave the perving out. Saw this woman tonight who I remember from Monday. She smiled at me. And tonight she spoke to me briefly. And she is sexy. And I was ogling, discreetly, of course.

Back to the gym

2009-11-10T11:39:00.002Z

Well, its officially day 2 of my abstinence from tobacco. I'm still having serious cravings, as to be expected. Started back at the gym last night after work. It was not as hard as I expected after nearly a year away, but still. I only did one set of each exercise. Most of them anyway. I'm going to try and go at least a couple more times this week. Should get easier. The cardio is the hard bit. I only got up to level 12 on the treadmill. That's to be expected though, with all the smoking I've been doing. Well, no more. Why am I trying to psych myself up? Anyway, I feel better already for starting again. Even if it's all in my mind in these early stages.

Friday Fill In #149

2009-11-06T14:00:00.002Z

1. Plans and schedules for today.
Waiting for the landlord to come over to look at water damage from the flat above.

2. I'm happy when things happen in my favor. Like money coming my way. If only there really was. Think I should buy a Euromillions ticket later. Maybe if I wish hard enough it will come?

3. The last thing I drank was a cup of tea. How stereotypically English.

4. One of the most valuable things in my life is Not surprisingly, that would be my son. If you could put a value on people.

5. I like pepperoni, sausage and most meats on my pizza.

6. Dear November, Please don't bring too much rain this year.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to maybe, only maybe, visiting a WG for some stress relief. (Yes, I know its not TMI Tuesday.) Tomorrow my plans include starting my new attempt at giving up smoking. And Sunday, I want to try and psych myself up to go to the gym on Monday.

No news is no news.

2009-10-29T12:21:00.002Z

I just realised I've only had two posts this month. Been spending a lot of time on Twitter though. And of course Facebook. As usual, have not had much fun recently. Or should I say, I havent done much recently. Caved in again and visited a WG. Nothing to write about though. Had to scratch the itch. I really must take offers when they come in, even if they are so far away. Anyway, thats it for now. Just poking my head around the door, as they say.

All at once

2009-10-02T23:17:00.002+01:00

Well, last night I finally introduced myself to the hot blonde thing that lives in the posh flats opposite work. Her name is T and her boyfriend is S. She is even more gorgeous up close. Very bubbly and friendly as well. I saw her again a few minutes ago. She is 30 but looks younger. We chatted for a while before she continued on her way. I tried to behave myself. Paid her few compliments. Revealed I was single and up for a good time. Very subtly, of course. Also let her know I was working tomorrow night before I take my days off. Not that it matters. Just hinting that I would be looking out for her and she should look out for me as well. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship. I see the possibility of some random fun. Hopefully, its not just me fantasising, as usual.
Next, had a conversation with another couple on Fetlife about the possibility of some play. Looks very promising as well. So that's two contacts on FL that could turn out very well. This new couple don't entertain at home but I'm sure we could work something out. The older couple are more likely to entertain at home. Will be contacting them both in the near future. Now to think up a plan for what to do.
Lastly, this woman who has been in my life since we were kids. Our families were very close, so much so, one of my sisters calls her mother Mom as well. Anyway for many years we have been flirting outrageously with each other, always hinting, but never actually doing anything. Well had another set of flirtatious texts tonight, hinting again about hooking up. The question in my mind is whether we could have some fun without getting into a relationship. Well, we can certainly try. I'll just go with the flow. I wonder if she knows what she is getting into? She is very dominant in everyday life so she should be a handful getting her to sub to me. Yes, I plan to go down that road. I plan for some light fun and games without getting the toys out. Initially, at least. No pain, just light restraint and submission. I have to plan this properly after all. Get my brothers out the house for one. So much for going with the flow.
Wish me luck, y'all.

Friday Fill In #144

2009-10-02T04:18:00.002+01:00

1. I have a history of procrastinating.

2. Tonight's Euromillions numbers is something I wish I knew.

3. I'm eating (or recently ate) A bowl of bran flakes mixed with raisins, oats and various other dried fruit in low fat milk.

4. Its cold on the road.

5. So that's it, that's all she wrote.

6. Paying for it is better than nothing!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to people watching in Mayfair, tomorrow my plans include people watching in Mayfair, sorry, I mean working in Mayfair and Sunday, I want to try and set up a play date which is long overdue!

Leave Punternet alone

2009-09-30T22:14:00.002+01:00

I saw an article in tonight's London Lite about http://www.punternet.com/. Apparently Harman is going on again about how its the pimps and people traffickers who benefit from this website. My view is that if prostitution was legal, these people would be more readily caught. If a business is regulated and properly inspected and visited, then the ones that operate under the radar could be spotted and targeted. If the persons managing or working in the house of 'ill repute' cannot provide proper documents or prove that the people working there were doing it of their own free will, surely it makes things easier. In terms of applying the law. What everyone is worried about is how it might look, considering the Olympics are coming up. Lets clean up everything. What, no time? Then just push it under the carpet/underground. If no one can see it, its not happening. No, it just makes it easier for the sex traffickers. Here's a thought. The punters leave field reports, including a location and a phone number. If the police suspect sex traffickers are at work, what better way to check than to visit. Just like they do with the walk ups in Soho.
All of this banging on about prostitution being demeaning to women is rubbish in my book. We the punters are the ones being taken for a ride. We pay for it. What's more demeaning than that. We can't get it so we pay for it. Who's the mug here? Who is the saddo? The woman who makes the dosh or the punter that pays it for a few minutes of fun. Yes, there are cases where the girls have no choice, but I'm not talking about sex traffickers. I'm talking about the women that do it by choice and in a responsible manner.
I don't have a girlfriend and I see no harm in visiting a pro. As in professional, not just prostitute. I find it hard to get the time to socialise, especially recently. And you are not guaranteed a shag even if you go out. Some people might disagree with me, seeing it as something sleazy. But even though I get offers of play from people on other websites, FL, AFF, IC, CL, etc, time and distance conspire against me. So, should I stay celibate? I think not. Plus, sex is proven to release stress. Even if it's in the short term. Better than nothing, I say. Even when you cannot afford it. One last thing, it's not called the oldest profession for nothing.

What's new

2009-09-27T22:15:00.002+01:00

Well, not much has been happening. I've been working nights, and will do so until the first week in October. Covering one of the guys who is on holiday. Don't mind the extra shifts though. I certainly need the money. Especially since I bought a new laptop. On credit. Got six months to pay it off. A couple of days pay extra will pay that off no problem. Joined Adult FriendFinder again. Sent out a few emails. Got one promising contact, but she lives in Kings Lynn. A bit far to go for pussy. Even when I'm not getting any. I already had an offer from some Fetlife friends and they are a lot closer. And I didn't take them up on it. Maybe I should. They are in the BDSM lifestyle so this would take care of two birds with one stone. Some kinky play and sex to boot. What to do, what to do? Sensible thing would be the Fetlife connection. Yes, thats what I'll do.

Friday Fill Ins #142

2009-09-18T15:06:00.002+01:00

And...here we go!

1. My car was a gold Audi 80 2.0. Really liked it, so much so, Audi is now my favourite car. My current dream car is an Audi RS4. Or a Range Rover Sport, Supercharged.

2. Nothing is coming up next.

3. Lately, things seem stagnant.

4. Fantasy is one of my favorite 'hiding' places.

5. What happened cannot be told. Slightly embarrassing.

6. Full disclosure is not impossible!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to wanking, tomorrow my plans include wanking after work and Sunday, I want to wank after work! Sounds depressing, doesnt it? Yes, I'm working this weekend. Oh well.

TMI Teusday #204

2009-09-15T13:11:00.001+01:00

TMI Tuesday #204

1. Have you ever shared sleeping accommodations with someone of the (Opposite sex for breeders, same sex for homosexuals) without anything steamy happening?
Only a couple of times, possibly even only once. Work colleagues, when I was a cop. Yes, those are the only times I can remember.

2. Have you ever streaked, flashed, or otherwise partially or totally exposed yourself in public before (or after) an informal, unofficial gathering of people?
No chance. I'm way too shy. Plus I'm a voyeur, not an exhibitionist.

3. Have you had dates with multiple people in the same weekend (or consecutive nights or the same night) while not all of your dates were aware of your actions?
I'm not that organised with my love life. Would have been interesting though.

4. What is the most "romantic" you have ever gotten in a movie theater?
I once had a blowjob to completion in an adult cinema. Thats all I'm saying though.

5. Have you ever had sex when you knew a non-participating adult was watching?
A few times at the spa. And a few times where I only found out after the fact. I suspected though.

Bonus (as in optional): If you could say anything you wanted anonymously to anyone, without identifying that person, what would you say?
My feelings will never change.

Sunday Dinner

2009-09-14T14:40:00.003+01:00

Does what it says on the tin. It was my brother and my sisters birthdays over the weekend. One on Saturday and one on Friday. So I decided to have dinner at mine. I invited both my sisters. Me, my brothers, two sisters and their families. It was so funny. I live in a flat. I don't have a table, just a collection of various chairs and the couch. Hilarity ensues. Too many people. Not enough chairs. You get up for any reason, you lose your seat. Well, there's always the floor. Understandably, no one wanted to move.

Initially I didn't think I had made enough food, but it turned out to be plenty. Even had enough leftovers for today and tomorrow. It only came out okay, though. The curried lamb didn't have enough curry in it and the macaroni pie was a little dry. I forgot it in the oven. Luckily not for too long. The chicken was pretty good and the beef was okay as well. Two types of rice and potato salad. Overall, though it was good food and good company. These are the photos I took of the food, no recipes though. I'm not that good.

Friday Fill-Ins

2009-09-11T20:23:00.003+01:00

Friday Fill-In # 141

1. That's a lovely place to be.

2. Don't forget me; I'm over here!

3. The possibilities include: Random acts of kink.

4. Mint tea is one of my favorite cool day recipes.

5. How will you know what she is going through.

6. Intermittent rain and a stormy sky.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to tomorrow, tomorrow my plans include sleep, and Sunday, I want to knock their socks off with my food.

HNT - Flaws

2009-09-10T21:01:00.002+01:00

This is my first time on HNT and in keeping with the theme, this is my flaw, the one that bugs me the most. Yes it's a wart on my head. I keep obsessing about it, imagining that people are staring, especially since I keep my head shaved.

Can of pussy

2009-09-09T16:33:00.003+01:00

It comes in a can? Where do I get some? I wonder how it tastes. Does it get you drunk? Is it juice? Just think. 100% pussy juice. Imagine going to buy some.

"May I have 4 cans of pussy, please."

Saturday Six

2009-09-05T16:41:00.002+01:00

I'm getting hooked o these memes. Don't know why but here goes. At least its something to post.

Saturday Six - From the younger days...

1. What was your favorite show on TV when your were little?
You can't go wrong with Sesame Street, and the all time favourite, Tom and Jerry. Then there was GI Joe when I was older and then Dream On. Martin was sooo funny.

2. What’s the first CD/LP that you bought?
Can't remember. But I remember having a very varied taste in music.

3. Who is the most famous person you have ever met?
Met a few in my time or should I say saw. Didn't actually meet them, more mind them. A few that stand out are - Jet Li when he visited Warner Bros in London. Richard Blackwood, Brian Aldiss, Worked at CNN for a while so saw a few newscasters/journalists. Don't mention the Topshop days. Celebrities shopping there all the time. Didn't actually meet them though. That reminds me, I have the distinction of throwing Holly Valance and her boyfriend out the store for being abusive to staff. Quite proud of that moment.

4. What’s your most guiltiest of pleasures?A guilty pleasure is something one considers pleasurable despite feeling guilt for enjoying it.
A terrible thing to say, but it's visiting WGs. Even if I haven't done it in a while.

5. What’ the worst habit you have or had?
Procrastinating or maybe smoking. Or see above.

6. Describe yourself in three words?
Horny, Pervert, Voyeur. Oh, you mean in general? Loyal, Generous, Open-minded.

Friday Fill- In

2009-09-04T16:16:00.002+01:00

Thursday, September 3, 2009

#140 Friday Fill Ins

1. I feel Stressed and horny.
2. Wanking is always fun.
3. Right now, I can hear these things: TV and creaking chair.
4. I quit smoking again and I'm glad or should I say sad since I like it.
5. The last time I smoked was yesterday morning.
6. I'm off duty for most of this Labor day weekend.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to doing nothing, tomorrow my plans include doing nothing and Sunday, I want to do nothing, but I'm back to work!

TMI Tuesday

2009-09-01T05:39:00.004+01:00

TMI Tuesday #202 (Location, Location, Location)

1. If you could have monumental sex where would it be (i.e. on Lincoln's lap, the stairwell of the Statute of Liberty)?
As a voyeur, not an exhibitionist, I don't know I would be able to perform under pressure. But if I could, the balcony overlooking the courtyard at Buckingham Palace. Does that count as a monument?

2. Have you ever "played" with your food (i.e. a blow job under booth #9 at Denny's, finger banging by candlelight at Spago)?
Not yet, but offers are most welcome.

3. Have you ever had sex in motion (i.e. the lavatory on Virgin Air, the back seat of your Chevy Suburban)?
Again, no. But did get a BJ in a car parked on the side of the road once.

4. Have you ever had sex worthy of a confessional (i.e. a stall in the church bathroom, on the desk in your boss's office)?
Does a wank at work count? No? OK then. In the car park at work, right after finishing my shift. She met me after work and we just had to get it on. Ah, young lust.

5. Have you ever had sex under the stars (i.e. in the alley behind Scores Gentleman's Club, the roof of your South Beach condo)?
Sex on the beach. In the Caribbean. And I don't mean the drink.

Bonus: What's your favorite place (of all places) to have sex (i.e. The Bunny Ranch, Las Vegas)?
A bed. Yes, I know, how boring. You can't beat comfort when getting your freak on. In a villa on Montserrat, in the Caribbean.

Reality TV

2009-08-31T20:15:00.002+01:00

Yep, I'm a reality tv junkie. Some of the shows I watch are as follows.
Jon & Kate Plus 8
Mythbusters
The First 48
Ace of Cakes
Anthony Bourdain - No Reservations
Cops
Road Wars
Deadliest Catch
Extreme Makeover, Home Edition
Overhaulin - Dont like the new format though. Preferred it when they were playing gags.
Wrecks to Riches USA
Top Gear
Kendra
Faking It
I also like the Planet Earth series. Attenborough is brilliant. I also used to watch Rookies and Female Forces. I've heard Policewomen of Broward County is pretty good as well. I love comedy shows as well. Got into it in the days of Kids in the Hall and early SNL. And of course, the Chappelle Show.

To be expected

2009-08-25T09:56:00.002+01:00

Well, she read the blog. She said she's glad I let her read it because it gives her an insight into me and what makes me tick. However, she is a tad disappointed with some of the things I've done. Namely my visits to WGs. That is to be expected however. I'm not sorry I gave her access though. I still want her to be part of my life. Her criticism might hurt but its honest and it's what she feels. I respect her opinion but I also hope she respects my choice as to what I do to make myself feel better, even in the short term. I know most women would not be impressed that someone who they love would visit a WG. I am not justifying it but I have always had trouble making that connection with someone, to form a lasting relationship. I am single and horny. No excuse to visit a WG. But why not? I know it's not a relationship and avoids the problem of being single, but it solves the horny dilemma in the short term. It costs money you cannot afford. True, and there is no rebuttal to that one. Its seedy and perverted. Unfortunately, that is what turns me on at the moment. The feeling of doing the forbidden. Doing things differently. That's probably why I find the BDSM thing so attractive. Not conforming, being open about what you want and how you want. Without judgement. I suppose I could compromise. Forget about the WGs and concentrate on the BDSM. I've managed to do so for the last few months anyway. That could be the way forward.
I suppose its good that she never made the choice to be with me. She said she was constantly doubting herself about whether her choice was the right one, but she is glad she made the choice she did, after reading my blog. The relationship would have been based on a fantasy. True, but it hurts still. She always maintained she was damaged goods, but it turns out she is not. She is just vanilla and is happy with it. She is aware of kink but isn't into it. That's OK. Nothing wrong with that. I guess I'm not that different from her husband, in certain ways. From what she was telling me, he wanted to try things she was not comfortable with. But they are back together now, so he needs to concentrate on what little kink she has. She is far from a prude, but has some limits. I'm drifting again. And I'm not exactly the person to give advice about relationships.
Anyway, A, if you read this, I am not sorry for some of my choices, I am not sorry you made the choice you did, as it was the right one. I do want you to be happy and I think you being back with him is a good thing, if both of you are prepared to compromise on limits. Not totally, of course, as you don't want to please someone at the risk of being unhappy yourself. I know you are more disappointed with me than you let on, but at least you are still staying in my life. Which is very important to me. I might still do things which you don't approve of, but these things make me feel better, so bear with me. And last but not least, I will still try to be free with my thoughts and opinions and perversions, even though I know you will be reading. There wouldn't be any point otherwise.

My feet hurt

2009-08-18T22:23:00.002+01:00

Yep, my feet hurt. Not very exciting. The refurb is almost over at work. Its all go, go, go. For the last two days the security office has been occupied by various workmen. So, I've been mostly standing out on the road, ogling girls and chain smoking. And of course, up and down stairs. Though that's mostly to use the loo. The only loos in use are on the 1st floor and I'm in the basement/lower ground. Carpets are going in tomorrow so I'll see the benefit on Thursday night. One more day of pain to come. Another thing, I don't know if its the weather or the fact that I've not had any in more than two months, but I'm horny as fuck. I was almost tempted to fall back into my old habits and visit a WG but I've decided not to at the moment. I've managed to get my finances back towards normalcy for one. Plus, I want to pay my gym dues and start getting motivated to get back into my fitness regime. And my ex, S, wants some extra financial help with getting the boy ready for school in September. He starts secondary school in September. Anyway, I suppose if I have done without it for a couple of months, a little more time wont make much of a difference. The thing about visiting WGs is that you get what you want without all the baggage, but then you find you actually want the baggage as well. But its a fix, albeit a temporary one. I might cave in later on in the month, but I plan to stick it out a little while longer. And maybe even go out on the lash instead. After all, I might get lucky and pull. Right, off to bed soon, to rest my aching feet. Did I mention that my feet hurt? And they pong. To be expected when you have been wearing boots for more than 12 hours. On that note, laters.

Gardener Me

2009-08-16T22:47:00.002+01:00

I cleared out my front garden yesterday. My lease does not cover gardening upkeep so it was do it myself, or pay someone. And I didn't see the point of paying someone if I'm trying to save money. It only took me an hour or so. To say it was overgrown is a bit of an understatement. Loads of nettles and weeds and the odd flower. Needless to say, I got stung to fuck by the nettles. On the plus side, I found a mint plant at the edge of the fence, so fresh mint tea is going to be on the menu soon. I still have to do the rear garden, but that's another day. I'm aching now. That's what I get for not going to the gym and keeping up my fitness. That reminds me, I have to pay my gym subscription. I'm a few months behind. Should give me some incentive to start going again, and give up the fags. Next step is to bag all the trash and put it out. Hopefully the bin men will take it if I do that.
Moving on. I'm still debating whether to give A access to my blog. Opinions are welcome. I hinted by saying if I had one, I don't know if I would let her know about it. It might make me tone down what I say a bit. But then again, this is A. It wouldn't really matter what I say. I want her to be the person I can say anything to. It should be even easier now that we are not going to be together the way I dreamed about.
Lastly but not leastly. I'm enjoying the weather for the usual reasons. Loads of eye candy about.

Doubts

2009-08-04T23:59:00.002+01:00

I sometimes wonder whether I can be justified in calling myself a Dom. I know I'm dominant but I'm a quiet and sometimes shy person. I want to experiment with some masochistic things like for instance, wax play but don't want to be sub to someone. Does that make me a Switch? I have issues about public performance. Case in point, my visits to the Spa where I had performance issues. But as they say, its early days in this voyage of discovery. I'm sure I'll find my feet eventually. Especially when I take some people up on their offer of play. That should open some doors closer to home. I hope. In the meantime, I'm still doubting myself. I've researched things and read books but still worry about if I come across as dominant enough. I know I certainly like taking charge and having my own wicked way. On the other hand, I get off from giving a woman pleasure. I love seeing a woman cum really hard. But then that's because I made her cum. So that still leaves me in control.
I was just thinking about a conversation I had with a sub friend of mine. Some of the things she likes done to her. I don't think, I'm strong enough for her but have some friends, not in the lifestyle, who would be willing to do this. I would love to set up something like this for her. There's that need for control again. Or is it the voyeur coming through? I haven't spoken to her in months though. I really need to reconnect with her again. No,WTF, I should really concentrate on myself and my satisfaction first. Yes, that's what I'll do.

Just chilling

2009-08-02T22:00:00.003+01:00

Well, nothing much to write today. I've not been so stressed as I was before. Don't know why, I suppose it was just a phase. Just chilling at home today with my brothers. The boy was over for most of the week so he is not here this weekend. Finished work for the next few days, back on day shift from Thursday.
I haven't been to a munch in ages so I'm considering going to the Brentwood Munch on Wednesday evening. It should be nice to chill out and talk rubbish with like minded people. Yes, its the wonderful world of BDSM. I like these small munches. It's more fun, and you don't have to stand on the side if you are a newbie. Very inclusive. Well, I suppose you could stand at the side but you'll still be part of the whole experience. The hosts are very friendly as well, which is a bonus. I don't know if I can call myself a newbie though. Even if I have very limited experience as a Dom. I'm not even sure if that describes me though. I'm dominant, not a Dom. Does that even make sense? It does to me. Anyway, I think that's the plan. Maintain my contacts and maybe make some new ones. Roll on Wednesday.

She blogs

2009-07-31T00:46:00.002+01:00

A just told me she has started blogging and gave me the link. I asked her if she was sure and she said yes. I guess its her way of keeping me in the loop about what makes her tick, what makes her keep going. She also keeps saying she feels guilty when she speaks to me but I cant really blame her for her decision. It was the sensible thing to do. Hopefully in the long run it will be worth it. She has moved into a new place with her husband, mainly for the benefit of her son. I think if they put the past behind them and start with a clean slate, it might work. Not that I want that to happen, but at the end of the day, I just want her to be happy. I know, too generous for my own good. I haven't told her I also blog. I'm not sure if I want someone who knows me reading my rawest feelings, fantasies, perversions, rants, etc. Even if it is A. Who I have opened my heart and soul to. I suppose it can't do any harm, as its not very likely we are going to be together in this life. But I don't want to hurt her with my words of anger and frustration from time to time, and the feeling of love and lust I still have for her.
I started reading her blog and am getting more of a feel of how she feels about certain things. It makes me want to be with her even more even though that's not really practical. She was certainly not meant to be born into that culture, if I'm reading her right. I'm not mentioned though. Should I be upset? I wish I was mentioned. It would make me feel better.

The Wedding

2009-07-21T00:14:00.002+01:00

It was great and everything my sister could have hoped for. I hope. She certainly seemed very happy. The weather was great, the people were great, the ceremony and the reception. I had to do some last minute running around in the morning, dropping people to the reception hall, etc. I was actually late getting dressed. The bride had to wait for me. Imagine. Not my fault though. She was the one that gave me work to do. Anyway, got to the registry only a little bit late. I suppose its a good thing. After all, the bride is supposed to be a bit late, isn't she? Then on to the hall for the reception. A few speeches, including one from me. I think I did well considering I didn't write one. Straight from the heart. And I got some laughs from the crowd, so I think I did quite well. She was clearly moved, so much so she shed a few tears. Someone asked if she was crying and her response was that she doesn't cry in public. At which time the hall dissolved into laughter, as she clearly was. The servers were late arriving so some people just dived in and started to help with the serving. The food was really good, but the wine got to me. I only drink wine if I don't have a choice. After the meal, then everyone jumped in and helped clear the tables away. Then the dance floor was opened, as was the bar. Which was when it was realised some of the booze and the ice had not been brought from the house. Luckily it was only a short distance away, so things were soon back on track. I jumped behind the bar to help out. And to be close to my beloved Jack Daniels and the 3 hot girls who were helping out. One was the daughter of one one of my sister's coworkers and the others were the daughter's friends. So of course I spent the night getting progressively drunk, and chatting up the 3 girls. Who put up with me. They were all 26, but looked younger. I think. At the end of the night I got really amorous with a girl/woman who I had a brief fling with years ago. She was my moms neighbour. She told me later, her daughters were looking at us in disgust. How dare us, at our age, snogging in public. LOL. It might be time for some more random fun with her. All in all I had a brilliant time. The next day was anything but nice however. I had a terrible hangover. I blame the wine. If I stick to JD, I don't usually get a headache. I spent all day Sunday sitting up in bed dozing on and off. I even threw up, once. I kept getting woken up for one reason or another. The boy, demanding breakfast, my brother asking random silly questions, like, how could I sleep in that position, people ringing the doorbell, etc. I did get some sleep, though. Just in time to be recovered enough for a night shift. Roll on the next party.

Father of the bride?

2009-07-15T10:18:00.002+01:00

Well, my sister's wedding is finally here. It's happening on Saturday, and I'm giving the bride away. Should be interesting. I'm quite proud. My dad was never really in our lives, so it has to be someone else, and that is me. The wedding party is wearing specially made suits. And of course, reception after. Food and drink. It's a celebration ya'll.

Analysing myself

2009-07-05T22:04:00.002+01:00

Just me whingeing about myself again. I was busy in the kitchen a minute ago and had some ideas on what to write, but the order has escaped me. WTH, I'll just ramble as normal. I was cleaning up, after having being out at work all day. My youngest brother has been home all weekend. If I don't ask, nothing is done. No initiative. Then it hit me. I've always been the responsible one. The one everyone relied on. And I'm still trying to be that person. Maybe its time I wasn't that person anymore. Well, I think I've been trying not to be that person anymore. Doing things I shouldn't be doing. Smoking again, visiting prostitutes, spending money I cannot afford to spend. Digging myself into the hole I'm now in, wondering how to get out. That was the wrong way though. These things are only a short term fix. I mean I know better,, so why do I do this? It seems these are my addictions. That I cannot reveal to anyone. Well, the prostitutes at least. At least I can't afford it at the moment, so no chance of relapsing. And I only had one fag today, that I bummed from someone this morning. Sometimes willpower works.
Trying to rebel has just been costing me financial headaches. Pisses me off, because now, I'm seeing all these opportunities that I can't take advantage of. I mean, even if I strike up a conversation with someone, I can't take it any further. Yep, I'm still broke. Broken record here. This evening on the tube, this blond woman sitting opposite me, doing what I normally do. She kept looking at me, and I kept looking back. I really wanted to say something, but didn't. She was 'reading' a book but kept looking up at me. Which made me keep looking at her. She had the most amazing eyes. Well, maybe I exaggerate. They were really grey, though. Tall and slim as well. I would. Then again, I would do anything. It has been a while. I've now got to figure out how to sort things out. Financially.
I try and justify it, saying if I had the relationship I'm craving, I wouldn't be in this position. But if I wasn't in this position,, I would most likely have the relationship I'm craving. At the end of the day, it seems that's what I really want. A relationship. Something I can focus on. That's probably why I jumped at the chance to be with A, when it clearly was the wrong thing to do. Anyway, that's all for now. Maybe more tomorrow, as and when I think of it.

Pervert weather

2009-07-02T00:37:00.002+01:00

This weather is brilliant for perverts like me. I already love watching women, the way they move, their shape, the way they dress, etc. Couple that with all the skimpy tops, miniskirts, shorts, and it's a perverts paradise. Good thing I got some good sunglasses a few weeks ago. I mean it's so hard not to show appreciation. Sometimes its just in your face. Literally. Like this evening on the tube. I was sitting down, she was standing in front of me. I'm not normally a breast man, but damn, it was right there. I couldn't stare though. Good thing there were many other women on the tube. I could alternate. It's so hard not being a pervert. Another thing is, when I stood up to get off, I could see just the hint of bra. The lacy bit. At the bottom. Yes, there was a lot of cleavage on show today. And legs. And bums. Yes, the voyeur tag is more than symbolic. I do enjoy a good show. Even now, at just past midnight, there are loads passing by, some casual, some dressed to the nines, but all looking good. And I'm looking. Don't judge me folks. Someones got to appreciate. Might as well be me.

Bad timing

2009-06-28T20:44:00.002+01:00

It's funny when you can't afford to play, that's when the offers come in. Yep, I'm still broke. Anyone wants a not so good gigolo/male escort? Basically, you wine and dine me, then ask me back to yours for some play. You don't have to pay me much either. I'm cheap. Just a bit more than a few quid.
Anyway, an offer to attend a fetish club, then an offer to play with a lovely couple. Well, they seem OK. A Dom and a sub. I think it will be good for me. I finally get the chance to try something new, and put my fantasies into reality. He is a Dom, she is a sub. He'll be present to supervise, and I'll be there to play with her. That's all it is at the end of the day. Play. at the moment, BDSM is all about sex for me. I don't know if that will change either. I'm not going to pretend its something purer. Its all about base desire. A way to get your rocks off. IMO.
Earlier today, speaking to one of my Facebook friends, I discovered she is surprisingly knowledgeable of BDSM, even though she isn't really into it. She apparently learned about it as a result of a sociology course. This revelation came about as a result of her posing in a corset in some pics, and me making smutty comments. Well, she did look good, and only if she knew what was really going through my mind. And she is Oriental. Oriental and Asian women are my favourite type. Yes, I can be quite shallow at times. Especially when I'm not getting any. It might be time for another erotic story. I'll try and make it a short one. Or, I could stop being picky, and take what I get.
Moving on. Just opposite where I work, there are some posh flats. There is this woman who lives there, who, every time I see her, always says hello, and smiles at me. Even when she is with her husband. He has even nodded at me a couple of times. She is quite pretty, slim, with blond hair. I definitely would. I wonder if they would? I shall introduce myself at some stage, if I get the chance. After all, you never know. I could be letting an opportunity slip by.

Stag Night

2009-06-22T00:11:00.002+01:00

Well, the night turned out okay. We got to the strip club about 9. Most of the guys were delayed so we decided to go on in. It was relatively quiet to begin with but the girls were amazing. The only drawback was the price of drinks. Not cheap at all. Initially I found it funny to watch my brother. He was a strip club virgin. He couldn't believe they did the full Monty. But the girls were much more interesting. To say they were good was an understatement. Well worth the trip. I hadn't been to a strip club in a couple of years. On a side note, I rate these places over establishments like Stringfellows and Spearmint Rhino any day. Not that I've ever been inside either, so I really shouldn't cast judgement. And I don't have that kind of money anyway. So I'm sticking to Shoreditch.
Afterwards we headed on to Soul Bar to finish up the evening. Yep, a bar playing soul and rare groove. I quite like that kind of music. The old school stuff. The crowd was over 25 only, at the extreme lower end. Most people were in their 30s and 40s. I got to chatting to a couple of women and at the end of the night had made a new contact. She works at this club. www.clublick.co.uk They were trying to get me to come with them to a private party being held that very night. I mean morning. Apparently it was an allnighter. I had to decline though. Trying to be sensible. I had run out of money at that stage as well, and was well into my seventh pint of Guinness. And the hip flask I had carried was now empty. I feel pretty good considering. That's the plus side of sticking to Guinness and JD. No hangover. Anyway, I might just visit there one day. I'm not feeling the Soul Bar vibe though. The music was okay, but that was about all. Got home about 4 in the morning.

Time for some fun

2009-06-19T21:36:00.002+01:00

Well, I'm planning to go out tomorrow. It's my soon to be brother in laws stag do. We are planning a trip to a strip club, then on to a nightclub. So, Browns, www.browns-griffin.co.uk in Shoreditch for some naked girl ogling and then Soul Bar in Walthamstow for some drinks and music. And maybe some clothed girls ogling. For me at least. Yes, the name is more than symbolic. I do like my ornithology. And I don't mean the feathered kind. Where I work in Mayfair, there's always loads of women dressed to the nines and I certainly enjoy the show. Yes, I'm a pervert, but an appreciative one. Its hard not to stare, but I try my best. So tomorrow night, I get to watch, and not be judged for staring. It would be rude not to.
That reminds me of the spa visits. I quite like watching, but don't like being watched. It puts me off. Don't get me wrong, I am into more than watching. It doesn't make sense getting the little fella excited and then not giving him something. Wait a sec. That's what I plan to do tomorrow. WTF. Oh well, there's always wanking. Not the same, but it'll do in the short term. Till I start making some new contacts. I'll try linking up with Kelly sometime next week. She said she is free maybe Thursday. I just spoke to her on the phone. I never noticed that she had such a strong accent. I have to remember to speak slowly. With my accent and English not being her first language. Should be okay. And tomorrow night should be more than okay. Indulging in one of my favourite pastimes and forgetting my troubles for a little bit.

Nothing much to report

2009-06-14T21:26:00.002+01:00

My life is so boring/stressful at the moment. Nothing but worrying about money. Worrying about failed relationships. About upcoming events which I can't afford to attend, but have to. Read, bachelor party for my soon to be brother in law. This month is going to be really interesting/stressful/poor/lonely. And don't forget permanently horny. I suppose I could blog about past experiences. Quite a few interesting stories in the past. And some good ones as well. And some weird ones. And some dangerous ones.

Sometimes . . .

2009-06-11T20:43:00.003+01:00

I feel I might be better off living alone like I was before my mom died. I wish I could say this, but that's a bit hurtful. My brothers drive me crazy. They are such slobs. the youngest, who is 19 goes to college part time. The rest of the time he is home doing nothing else. Case in point, I've been on night shift for the last few days. Three days now, the sink has been full of dishes. I asked him to do it 3 days ago. Still not done. Got up today after telling him this morning and still not done. I asked him and he says he'll do it later. I get so fucking pissed off. I bet he goes to bed tonight and not do it. Its so hard not to say anything. I'll just wait and see. And their room, like a hurricane hit. Clothes everywhere. I remember asking once to tidy up and he dumped everything in the closet. So many little things that piss me off. Like when I do laundry. When I go to the dryer, there's clothes in there from the last bits they washed. Just fucking take it out and put it away, rather than take out stuff as you need it. More later.

Blatant Plagiarism

2009-06-09T01:09:00.001+01:00

Posted by ....... on Thu 12 Mar 09, 5:51 PM
Are you taking your Sanatogen regularly? Do you constantly get offers for cheap car insurance because of your age? Do you get catalogues sent to you where all the clothes are beige and sensible?
To show how your outlook may have changed since the halcyon days of youth and the Sex Pistols, read some of these comparisons between life in 1977 and 2009 - I chuckled ruefully!
Only to be read by those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...
1977: Long hair
2009 : Longing for hair
1977: KEG
2009: ECG
1977: Acid rock
2009: Acid reflux
1977: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2009: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1977: Going to a new, hip joint
2009: Receiving a new hip joint
1977: Rolling Stones
2009: Kidney Stones
1977: Screw the system
2009: Upgrade the system
1977: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2009: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1977: Passing your driving test
2009: Passing the vision test
1977: Whatever
2009: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
The people who are starting university this Year were born in 1991.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the 3 years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They do not care who shot J. R. And have no idea who J. R. Even is.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet????

Weekend Dad

2009-06-05T22:21:00.002+01:00

I have my son this weekend. I don't mind it so much as I like spending time with him. If you can call it that. I am working day shift tomorrow but my kid brother will be home with him. He does his own thing and so do I. But he is in close proximity to me. And that's what counts. My dad was never around when I was a kid. He only wanted to know me when I was grown. I stayed with him briefly one summer when I ran away from home to live with him. I don't know what I was thinking. Didn't last long though. My mom got me back. Anyway, the point is, I don't want to be my dad, so most weekends, I have my son over. Well, the boy has been acting up recently, being really rough with his younger siblings, and being lippy to adults. And he has a history of fighting at school. I'm supposed to give him a good talking to this weekend. And I'm a pushover when it comes to him. I want him to feel relaxed when he comes over but he needs to know he cannot be like this. The funny thing is that when I was younger I was always in trouble at school, for fighting and the like. I see myself so much when I look at him. And he wants to be me so much. He has even decided he is going to be a soldier or a policeman, like me. But I wonder if he understands the discipline that involves. But hey, these experiences made me who I am, so I'm sure he will get it. I did. Cadets at 13, Defence Force at 17, Police at 19. You have to focus the violence, direct it towards those who deserve it. My philosophy. He will be 13 soon. Then he can get it under control. I hope.

Reward and weakness

2009-06-04T21:39:00.002+01:00

Well, I got a little gift for my good deed. I went over to the shop today as the owner wanted to see me. He shook my hand and pressed 20 quid into my hand at the same time. He also gave me a nice bottle of red wine. I'm not a big wine drinker but still. I was quite happy he thought he should. The 20 quid embarrassed me a bit, but I was still glad I got it. Being so broke. Yes, even that makes a difference. I stayed there for a few minutes chatting but then had to get back to work. I bought a Euromillions ticket out of it. Hopefully something will come of it. There I go, dreaming again. Hey, 37 million could come in really handy.
Now on to the bad me. Had a few fags today. I know I shouldn't. Especially after 4 days without. Sometimes I'm so weak its embarrassing. I'm having so much trouble committing to anything at the moment. I'm depressed, lonely, broke, frustrated, horny etc. Any excuse, I know. I need to have some kind of outlet. Here is the contradiction. I like smoking, but I don't want to. I know its bad for me, but it makes me feel good, at the time. Then it makes me feel bad. And all the accompanying problems. Odor, shortness of breath, etc. But I feel comfortable doing it. Does that make sense? Doesn't to me either.

Follow the Quote

2009-06-03T11:24:00.002+01:00

"When I say/feel/do/think something upsetting/stupid/unPC/inappropriate, I don’t censor myself. What I write here is me, free and clear. That makes it easier to write."

I copied this from another blog. http://essin-em.com/. I am trying to get to that state. After all, that's what blogs are for. IMO. I'm starting to feel a bit selfconcious sometimes, knowing people read what I write. But, WTH, this is my way of not holding anything in. Well, almost anything. There are some things which I am embarrassed to write about. Lets just leave it at that.

Random Musings

2009-06-02T11:06:00.002+01:00

Well, I have been wondering about how open I can be on my blog. You know, asking the questions that so many people have asked before. I know people follow my blog and other people read as well, so I'm not sure. I quite like the fact I have readers, but I am still a shy person would you believe. Yes, someone who says they are dominant is really shy. Contradictions. But what the hell, my blog is for me to release tension by saying whatever is on my mind whether it be mundane, perverted, whingeing, observational, emotional. Whatever. So here goes.
Latest on the landscape? Finances. I'm really struggling at the moment. I've completely maxed out my overdraft, and unauthorised overdraft. 1000 pounds in the hole. Direct debits returned unpaid. This includes the money for child maintenance. I spoke to S and she is going to wait until Monday, when I get paid. Boy, was she pissed. Understandably. Today, I got another one back. My phone bill. The next one is going to be my gym. Each one is going to cost me 8 quid in fees. I really should know better. Stop spending money stupidly and frivolously. I'm so fucking pissed off with myself. Yes, I was off work unpaid for a while, but I make decent money. Why can't I do better. I have discipline, so why can't I apply it here. WTF?
Moving on. Its odd now A and I are not going to be together, that I've been getting some interest in random play. I've had one contact from the US who is coming to London, expressing an interest in meeting for drinks. Right at the point I cannot do anything. Can't afford to. She looks really interesting as well. At the very least, I would have had an interesting conversation and made a new contact. I've sort of made excuses but still gave her my email address, but have had no further contact. Probably for the best, since I can't afford to go out. Not even for one drink. Yes, I'm that broke. Another contact is relatively close to me but is all over the place in terms of what she thinks BDSM is all about. She says she is new to the lifestyle but wants to learn more and explore her kink. She keeps saying she has a play partner, a Daddy, but seems up for random play. Not sure how real she is. She has been adding more friends in the last few days as well. To be expected I suppose.

Hindsight

2009-06-01T10:55:00.002+01:00

I was just thinking about Saturday morning again. It just occurred to me that I have a camera with me every where I go. Well, at least one. My phone has a built in camera and I always carry a digital camera with me, in my rucksack. I could have even videoed the whole thing. Hindsight is a bitch. I actually had to go back to the downstairs office to get the number for West End Central, so I could have grabbed my camera as well. You couldn't have better than that. I mean, that's one of the reasons I carry a camera. You never know when it will come in handy. That is another reason to be pissed at myself. Another thing, I found out this morning that the cops never contacted the owner. He only found out today. I guess since they never gained entry, the cops didn't consider it a priority. Anyway, apparently he wants to meet me. He wants to give me a reward. Question is, should I accept it? Yes, I called the cops, but not much else. Am I being too modest?

Burglary in progress

2009-05-30T09:26:00.003+01:00

Just a quick one. I worked the night shift last night. So, this morning, standing at the windows of the site office, looking out onto the square, I see two guys dressed like workmen. You know, hi-vis jackets. They were standing at the door to the antiques shop near to us. http://www.davidaaronancientarts.com/
One guy was working on the lock. Tools and everything. The other one was watching out. Every now and again, he would, in my opinion, pretend to be on the phone. Yes, it didn't look right to me. I know what everyone who works there looks like. In fact, one of the girls that works there is on my Facebook friends list. The one working the lock didn't look right. He was moving too quickly. And the other guy was definitely looking out. If they were locksmiths, both would be looking at the lock. And if there was something wrong with the lock, the owner would definitely be there. I think. Anyway, I called West End Central Police and they said they would send someone out. Well, silly me, I thought they would run in silent. I heard them coming, and so did the two guys. Who of course, legged it through the alley and disappeared. No idea where they went. They most likely had a car waiting. Went over afterwards and looked at the lock while I was talking to the area car guys. They had been drilling the lock. I don't think they anticipated the strength. I have seen the owner struggling to open the doors on occasion, so they must be really good locks. And the premises is alarmed. I wonder what they were after. Anyway, they got away, with nothing. and as the police say, Area search, no trace.

Still talking

2009-05-27T18:11:00.001+01:00

Well, we are still talking. Well, email, at least. We have come to the realisation that this was definitely too rushed. I have, at least. In hindsight I realise that my impulsive nature was what made me jump in with both feet. She has been my fantasy woman since we first met. So when I found out she was having problems in her marriage, I took it as my chance to get what I’ve always wanted. I never thought it through completely. Realistically, there was no way she could have packed everything in and come over here. I should have just gone down the shallow route and suggested she come over for a few weeks of mindless fun with no expectations. That would have been easier.
I have always thought she was the best I've ever had, except for two memorable incidents. One when I was with a girl who swallowed. And the other, the first time S introduced me to anal. I guess I’ve been lucky. She doesn't have to be into this though. I would still be happy with what we had. I wonder if I could convince her it would be good to do this still. The problem is that she isn't that shallow. Damn, fantasies are nothing but trouble. Anyway the bottom line is that I’m coming to terms with the fact this isn't going to happen. Hopefully she will realise that I have, and we plan to remain friends anyway. Well, I’ve been nothing but open to her so she is always going to be someone I can talk to about anything. But that is not going to happen overnight. We have to give it at least a few months. Until we get over the hurt feelings. She loves me still, but she has come to the conclusion she has to stay and deal with the hand she has been given. Even with all the accompanying problems. I have to respect that. I have to move on. Some new adventures might take my mind off the pain. I hope this doesn't make me too jaded about relationships. I don’t want to spend another 10 years wishing for the fantasy to come true.

A Bad Note

2009-05-23T18:00:00.002+01:00

I feel a little better today but all the pain is still in the background. I sent the message to her via email, but its any ones guess if she replies. My confidence has been severely knocked. I feel more than ever I need someone in my life. This doesn't help if I'm expected to move on. After all, women can sense desperation. I'm at a real low point. This is me at the moment.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UsSr7IAKknY

Letter to A

2009-05-23T01:08:00.003+01:00

I cant sleep. You want to know why? Here goes. So, if I understand your words, you are going to give up your happiness to conform to what religion and culture expect of you. When you said you loved me, do you now think that you were mistaken? Where does that leave me? Because I know I love you. That leaves me heartbroken. How do you know your soul was destined to be with his? Was he your first? Is that why you come to that conclusion?
I don't know who to talk to. D would very likely tell me I should have known better than to pin my hopes on someone thousands of miles away, married, with a kid, and a Muslim. Someone who I last touched 10 years ago.
Physical connection is good but what about the emotional. I got the impression that you felt the same way as me. That we were meant to be. How can you take that back. You said it. I didn't fantasise it. I didn't force you to say it. You said you don't feel you belong there. Maybe you are not meant to be. My mind is all over the place. I try to justify you doing this. I would imagine you have to give up your whole family if you want to be with me. I don't think somehow they would understand or accept me. I bet this has something to do with your decision. I keep trying to explain or figure out what the problem is. Or should I say the other problems.
The way I feel now is confusing. I'm pissed off with myself for being so naive as to think this would ever happen. I gave my heart to you and now I'm paying. I don't want to make you feel bad, but I want you to understand what I'm going through. One minute I'm jaded about love, feeling as though that's a fantasy. Next minute I'm thinking, fuck it, just go out and get pussy wherever, whenever, without any emotional considerations for the other person. Life is only about the moment, not the long term. Then I think, there is more to life that just the physical. You need someone to be your rock, and for the last few weeks, I thought I could see mine in the distance. But no more. You say take a new course. Move on. That was just driftwood. Not a solid object. But I think you are wrong. I can't.
All I want to do is make you happy. Be whomever you want to be without anyone judging you. Do what you want, with who you want. Say what you want, when you want. Yes, I want to make you happy, but I'm so angry with you right now. There is nothing positive here, now my dream has been shattered. And the worst part is I can't blame you. It would be nice to blame someone. You know who I blame? Every one who is close to you at the moment. You talk about forgiveness and faith. I have none any more. I will have none until you are mine. I told you 10 years ago when you left,, I was so disheartened. That was nothing compared to now. Its 10 times worse, as I thought my time was coming. You know that saying, Good things come to those who wait. Fuck it. So much for that. All you get is pain, it seems.
On that jaded note, I'm off.

Heartbreak

2009-05-22T08:37:00.002+01:00

I just received an email from A telling me that its basically over. I don't know if its right to post some of what she said but here is an extract.

I am lying to myself when I say that I want love without the commitment of marriage. I am envious of couples who manage to stay together - thru thick and thin - and remain loving, loyal, chaste and respectful to each other during the entire duration of their marriage and beyond. If I am brutally honest then I have to admit that I don't want love outside marriage. That I want someone who will share my spirituality and strengthen my faith.
In my faith, it is said that all the souls were created together at the very beginning of creation. The soul of the men stood in one place while the soul of the women roamed to find their perfect soul mate. The female souls roam until they find the soul that catches their eye and stops their feet. Each woman choose her own soul mate, and when we are born in this world, we are destined to find that person.

She has decided to stay over there. I know she was doing some soul searching to try and make sense of everything. For better or worse she came to the conclusion it would be morally and spiritually wrong to go forward on this new direction. This is the last bit of the email.

So I guess this is goodbye - because you are my sin of thought and imagination and I ask that you forgive me for the hurt this will cause you. I did not have the right to covet that which is not mine - but I have coveted you. I have sought to make you mine when I did not have the right to steal this affection, this love from the marriage that still binds me in the eyes of God, to lure you in, to bring you closer to me. The sin is mine alone. Forgive me.

I am so confused and devastated. I guess I was deluded that it could actually work. She has a life over there with family and friends. She is married and has a child. I am not in any position to support her financially at the moment. I wonder if I was too open, too candid with my failings. All those long conversations. I finally felt I was getting a chance at true happiness. It sucks to be so infatuated with someone who it turns out will never be mine. I was so looking forward to seeing her again, after 10 years. What kind of fool am I to think this would ever happen? So many differences, in religion, culture, upbringing, etc, and yet we connected. We would speak for an hour at a time on the phone and it seemed like mere seconds. I have never felt like this before. I have never been in love before. Is it love or is it a fantasy? I never expected this to end before we had a chance to really try. I would sacrifice so much for this.

What next? What do I do? Are we going to speak again? She said it's goodbye. I suppose it would be best if we didn't. If she really loves me, it would make it harder to to stick to her guns. It might give me renewed hope where there is none. It has been a few days since we last spoke and then, out of the blue, this message. No warning. I never expected this. I want her so badly it hurts. Especially now that I can't have her. Did she not see this coming? Was she really prepared to give us a chance? Did we move too quickly? I'm so fucking angry. But I can't be angry at her. Should I be? All these questions and no answers. Is she afraid to make a comittment to start a new life? Why did she give up on happiness and take mine away? Do I try and call her? Will she pick up? Does she not think I am committed enough to her? I don't even know what to think. What to do. I already miss her. 2009 was supposed to be my year. I've been waiting all my life for this and just like that, the hope is gone. So many things going wrong. What the fuck? The job I want and so far don't have. The job I have, with the accompanying problems. The woman I want. The woman I lost. Again. The savings I don't have. Why the fuck did I get my hopes up. Nothing is working out for me. I'm so heartbroken. Where do I go from here?

Fantasy to reality Pt 4

2009-05-21T01:50:00.003+01:00

He had done this before. He loved this. The heat and tightness pushed him towards the edge. Time to slow down again, can't make this too quick and easy for her. He slowed down, savouring her whimpers as he pushed in and out. The whimpers soon turned into moans though, as she began to get used to the hard cock stretching her hole wide open. The pain subsided and a new feeling began to take over. She didn't realise that it could feel good as well. Part of it was the feeling of violation, of being dominated. Another was the friction, the movement, his hands on her hips, pulling her back to meet his strokes. He was so close to the edge, his balls were throbbing, waiting for release. The pussy juices coating his cock wore away and with each stroke the pain began to return, both for him and for her. It still felt good though. He sped up, slamming into her harder and harder. It was her grunting and the slapping of their flesh that made him explode. As soon as his cum started flooding into her ass, she started shaking. She was cumming as well. The combination of fear, pleasure and of course pain, drove her over the edge into one of the most intense orgasms she had ever had. If not the most. Her legs buckled and if not for the fact she was draped over the stool and handcuffed, she would have collapsed on the floor in a sweaty heap. His last stroke had left him balls deep on his toes as the last drops of cum oozed into her back passage. He came down off the high, panting as hard as she was. He was still hard though. Playtime wasn't over. He pulled out slowly, looking down as his dark meat withdrew from her white ass. His cock was glistening, coated with streamers of his cum. Her hole gaped obscenely, oozing remnants of his sperm. 'Got to come back to that' he thought. She was still on a high though. She wanted more. He went into the bathroom to get a towel, leaving her draped over the stool. He soaked it in cold water and wrung it out. He went back to where she was and whacked it against her behind. She screamed and jumped. Back to reality. But he was only playing. He knelt behind her and started to clean her up, gently. Wiping away the residue on her ass cheeks, pussy lips and crack. The cold towel felt good to her, but was confusing. Wasn't he punishing her a second ago? He went around in front of her and knelt down. 'How was that for you?' he whispered as he nibbled on her ear. 'Because we are only just getting started.' He kissed her lightly on the lips, then removed the blindfold. She blinked as his face came into focus. 'Its you' she gasped. 'Yes' he replied. 'Isn't this what we talked about on the Internet? Now you can say you've done it' He unlocked the handcuffs and pulled her upright. She didn't feel scared anymore. She felt relieved, but more than anything she wanted more of this. She fell into his strong arms and started kissing him. His hard cock pressed against her, reminding them both that the night was not over. 'Now we can carry on' he said, spinning her around and directing her towards the bedroom. 'Time to get your toys out. But first, on your knees, bitch, and follow your master.' She didn't argue, just smiled and got on all fours, following him as he headed down the corridor towards the bedroom. She couldn't see his face but Voyeur36 was smiling as well. . . .
The End?

Fantasy to reality Pt 3

2009-05-21T01:46:00.003+01:00

Without warning, he gripped her clit between his fingers and squeezed. Hard. Her knees buckled, not from pleasure, but from pain. He slapped her ass, hard. 'I said don't move' he growled. She whined a little, but obeyed. It was time to taste her. He knelt behind her and started flicking his tongue against her thighs again, all the way up. He stopped for a second, breathing against her moist pussy. He pressed his lips against her hole, sticking his tongue in as far as he could, then flicked her asshole with the tip of it. 'I'm enjoying this too much' she thought. 'But it feels so good, even if I don't have a say in what happens next' He continued for a minute or so and then stopped suddenly. He stood up, grabbed a fistful of her hair and pulled her upright. He pulled her by her hair over to the divider by the kitchen where there was a line of stools fixed to a rail by the counter. He uncuffed her and before she could react, he pushed her forward over one of the stools. Hard enough that she was off balance. She didn't fall though. That long hair came in handy. He pulled her arms down to her ankles and cuffed them to her feet through the stool. 'Perfect' he thought. He started eating her pussy in earnest, nipping her clit every now and then and sticking his tongue into her asshole. He was lubing it up but she didn't realise that. She was enjoying herself too much. Another pause, then he went around to her head. 'Just remember, don't make a sound' He undid the straps for the ball gag. It was shiny from the drool. He wiped it on the side of her face and said ' I think its time I changed gags. Open up, bitch.' Without thinking, she obeyed. But it wasn't a gag that slid past her lips. It was his cock, swollen rigid. At this point she didn't care. But she would. He did not stop until he was all the way in, her nose just touching his stomach. He looked down at the sight of her red lips stretched wide around him. She tried to pull back to get some air, but that was wishful thinking. He grabbed the back of her head, then relented. He slid his hips back, giving her a reprieve. Then back in. He reached over and started playing with her pussy, rubbing his finger through the slippery folds of her cunt, then up to her asshole again. 'What the fuck, this isn't about you anymore.' He then grabbed the back of her head and started face fucking her until she gagged. It was brutal, but she liked it. The feeling of being treated like some object, a tool. He couldn't hold off for much longer so he thought 'Its time for the first one.' He went back around behind her and slammed his dick balls deep up her cunt. Her ass cheeks jiggled with the force of his thrusts, her body slammed against the stool, repeatedly. He knew he was going to come soon, but his way. He pulled out her slick pussy and pressed the head of his dick against the small brown hole above. Belatedly she realised what was happening and started to protest but he didn't care. Slowly he pushed his way in until he couldn't see his dick anymore. 'Shut the fuck up' he barked, reaching under and pinching one of her nipples. She winced at that, but the stiff cock up her ass hurt more. She definitely wasn't ready for that. No one had ever done that to her.
To be continued . . . . again.

Fantasy to reality Pt 2

2009-05-21T00:50:00.002+01:00

He reached into his pocket for another toy. A piece of strong material with Velcro. He wrapped it around her ankles. One more slap on the ass and then he stood back to admire his handiwork. He might as well go all the way he thought. Another toy came out, a ball gag. He grabbed her by the hair and lifted her head off the cushions. With ease of practice, he forced it in her mouth and fastened the straps. That surprised her. She thought he wanted her to talk. A sense of panic began to rise. She tried to talk but there was only drool and random noise. He smiled to himself. Back around to the rear view. Goosebumps, again, both of them. Anticipation in his case, fear in hers. Slap, slap, slap, slap. Two on each ass cheek, without holding back. His hands stung from the force, he relished the sounds of her pain through the gag. 'Shut up bitch, I'm only getting started' He took hold of the knife again and ran the point against the back of her legs all the way up to her ass cheeks. It was a blunted knife this time but she didn't know that. She only remembered the shine from the first one. She whimpered, wondering what was going to happen and why. As if reading her mind, he grabbed her by the hair again and snarled in her ear. 'Don't worry, I wont leave any permanent marks if you do what I say, when I say it.' He put the knife down and slapped her across the face several times. 'Do you understand me, bitch?' She grunted in assent. 'I take it that means yes, not that you have a choice in what I do' he smirked. He picked her up and repositioned her, standing her up leaning over the back of the couch with her legs spread. Velcro straps, so versatile. Time to work, he thought. Her skirt was still pushed up around her waist, overlapped by her green shirt. He ran the knife up her legs again, then turned the handle around and rubbed it against her pussy. She squirmed a bit so he slapped her ass again. 'Stay still' he warned. He knew there would be no disturbance so he stripped, releasing the beast from the confines of his trousers. He got the sharp knife again and hooked it under the lacy thong pressed into the crack of her ass. No, she has to feel this. He used his hand instead and with one yank, ripped it away from her body. She jerked towards him and as he was standing right behind her, her ass cheeks rested right around his hard cock. He looked down at the wonderful contrast. His hard black cock between the cheeks of her round white ass. Soon, he thought, I'll be balls deep in that. But not yet. He stood to one side and started swinging away, still using his hands. She couldn't keep still and started squirming again. It hurt, it really hurt, and heat, that too. She couldn't keep quiet either, moaning from the pain. But there was something else, she liked it. The heat from her sore ass spread, but this heat felt good. He stopped for a second, then stuck his hand between her thighs. Good, it was working. Her pussy lips felt slick, she was getting turned on. 'See, that's not so bad is it?' Without warning he stuck a finger up her cunt, all the way. She moaned again, this time from pleasure.
To be continued . . . .

Fantasy to reality Pt 1

2009-05-20T23:42:00.002+01:00

She had been looking forward to the end of the working week. The kids were away with their father. Perfect for her. For them. HE had told her he had something planned for this weekend. HE was not her husband. She was divorced. She had stayed late at the office to finish up some last minute correspondence with the US office. She wasn't paying attention when she walked to the front door so she missed the shadow behind the wall. As she put the key in the lock, he stepped up behind her. As soon as the door was opened, his hand went over her mouth and they were in the door. HE booted it closed and whispered in her ear. 'One sound and I slash you to pieces, one pretty cheek at a time' She definitely noticed the shiny blade inches from her face. They shimmied down the hall in a parody of a dance, into the lounge. He knew his way around, but she didn't notice. She was petrified. His masked face inches from hers, his hand around her throat, he growled. 'Where is it?' Her mouth dry, she squeaked 'What?' He spun her around and pushed her face down into the couch. The next thing she felt was the cold metal of the handcuffs as they went on. Then the lights went out. The blindfold had gone on. 'You won't forget this for a while' he said. He feet were off the floor and she was laying on her stomach on the couch, not able to see a thing, with her hands cuffed behind her back. She knew she should be screaming with fear but she couldn't, wouldn't. A part of her welcomed the feeling. She had always wanted something like this. The feeling of helplessness, coupled with the compromising position. As if reading her mind, he started running his hands up her stockinged legs towards her round ass, pointing obligingly towards the ceiling. 'Oh, I'm going to love this' he murmured. 'And somehow, I think you are too.' She began to plead with him, asking what he wanted. 'Shut up' he said. 'I've changed my mind. After this we can call it even.' He pushed her skirt upwards, revealing the gorgeous legs he had seen from a distance on many an occasion. Lacy pull ups. He approved and his cock agreed. He had been hard with anticipation since he bundled her into the room. The skirt slid up revealing more joys. The perfect curve of her ass, barely clad in a lacy thong. She should be struggling and fighting but she couldn't, wouldn't. She wanted this as well. No movement or sound, then his tongue flicked against the back of her knee. She jumped slightly, then the goosebumps started as he worked his way up the back of her thighs. He stopped again. Whack!! She wasn't expecting that. His hand slammed into her upraised ass. She yelped in surprise, but then fell quiet. Exactly how the fantasy had played out in her dreams. The tongue flicked again, this time against the red mark of his hand print. She moaned in her mind, or so she thought. 'You like that' he said. Whack!! This time it hurt more.
To be continued . . . . .

Pleasantly surprised

2009-05-19T01:06:00.002+01:00

Well, after the party on Wednesday, I was a little disappointed with myself. Got over that quickly though. I have been ringing the Portuguese girl for the last few days with no reply. We can call her Kelly. That's the name she goes by, not that I think its really her name. Well she rang me back tonight expressing an interest in going out for a drink sometime. That's what I was after at the very least. I know she is a WG but I still want to. After all the hard work she put into me, I don't mind. Worst case scenario, she wants to have a little work on the side. And that's not a bad thing either. To be expected, at least. Not sure when I'll call her back, but I'm looking forward to meeting her again. I think I can do better in a one on one scenario. And she seems like a nice enough girl. And she probably has some interesting stories. Don't know why I'm even going there. After all, I'm bound to be one. But what the hell. She can be part of the journey. Even if I have to pay for it. And I will, at some stage, as I still want to fuck her. It's a good thing she is a WG. Another good thing is that she lives in Leyton, which is fairly easy to get to for me.
In other news, I sent out a few emails on Fetlife. I was browsing profiles and saw a few girls who might be good play partners, NSA. Which is the key thing, as I am soon to be reunited with A. Haven't spoken to her much in the last few days. Been a little busy with family. And I'm working night shifts this week. We have been hoping to talk on MSN while she is at work. But that hasn't worked out. By the time I get up, she is on her way home from work. And by the time I get to work, she is most likely in bed. Without me. For now. And I don't want to keep her up too late. I'll make an effort to talk to her sometime this week though. Assuming she doesn't call me first.

Epic Fail

2009-05-16T15:00:00.002+01:00

Well, I got to the club well early, just before 7. Overall, the night was a success, but I definitely now know I am a voyeur, not an exhibitionist. My first play session started off quite good. I was in a room with two girls. One east European girl and one Portuguese. I had been chatting to them in the smoking area before the party kicked off at 8. So there’s me lying on a bed with a girl on each side. The Portuguese girl started things off, putting on the condom with her mouth while I was playing the the tits of the other one. I was really starting to enjoy my blow job when a couple of other guys came into the room. They watched for a bit before one approached the bed. The other girl then turned and started playing with his dick. I was enjoying the show but my little fella started feeling the pressure. Pretty soon he started wilting as the other couple started fucking. The other guy definitely didn't have any performance issues. It was a double bed so there was enough room but still I felt a bit uncomfortable. I gave up after a few minutes. By then there were a couple more guys watching, so I gave up my spot. I stayed and watched for a bit, then wandered off and looked at a few other rooms. No closed doors at this party. Every room had some action going on. I guess I was the only one with performance issues. I watched a few scenes but eventually ended up where I had started. I went back for another go at the Portuguese girl. She had just finished with someone else by the time I got there so I sat down on the bed while she cleaned up with some wet wipes. Yes, even though condoms were mandatory, so she must have been enjoying herself. By this time, there were quite a few more guys at the party, so there was always someone waiting. We made some small talk and she started playing with my cock again. Well, I thought I was ready so I laid back on the bed and started enjoying the feeling. On with the condom and she started giving me a blow job. I was really getting into it but then some of the guys at the door started talking rubbish to one another, about houses and the like, and the little fellow started wilting again. We switched around to 69 as that is one of my favourite things. I love eating pussy, what can I say? Unfortunately that didn't work so I gave up, spun around and started eating her out in earnest. Yes, I know she had just been fucked by someone else, but condoms were used and I watched her clean herself. I started getting a hardon again, but the conversations in the background continued, so that didn't last very long. So, I gave up my spot again. After giving her pussy a good bit of tongue action, though. Well, she gave me a kiss and then moved on to the next guy, who didn't have any performance issues either. I did the circle again and ended up at a room right next to the door leading out into the smoking area. I started chatting to the girl there with a view to having another bit of play. She said she was hot so the door was open. Well, I started with her as there was no one standing there. She got out some lube and started giving me a hand job, while I played with her pussy. Every now and then people walked past the open door to go to the smoking area. I had a proper hardon by then, so she started giving me a blow job. By then we had a couple of guys standing by the door watching us. I was managing to keep my hardon but not for long. The audience put me off. And the constant movement of people past the door. Some even stopped and said hello. While she had my cock in her mouth. She actually said hello back one time. With my cock in and out her mouth. It started to go downhill so I changed position and got into missionary with her legs on my shoulders and started fucking her. I couldn't keep it up for long though. I closed my eyes and thought of A, but the constant noise kept distracting me. Under pressure to perform again. And people saying hello to her. WTF? Give me a chance to bust a nut, uninterrupted. When I started flagging again, we changed position again, with her on top. I had a proper sweat going on by then, but yet again, FAIL. I gave up after a few minutes. It was pointless. I couldn't get it up. Back to my first girl again for another try. She was busy when I got there. She was sitting astride some guy with a huge dick. That definitely got me going again. It was a lovely sight watching her pussy getting stretched wide. I was definitely jealous of his dick. She definitely seemed to enjoy it. They then changed position into doggie, so I sat at the back of the room, sat on a chair, kept quiet and enjoyed the show. Some other guys in the room didn't though. Keep quiet that is. But he didn't have any issues with the noise. He definitely managed to cum. Once they were finished she had a little break. We sat outside, had a fag and chatted for a bit. Then back to the room to try again. This time she sat on the bed and I stood up in front of her while she gave me a blow job. Yet again, though, performance issues, so I gave up. Definitely not my night. Exhibitionism isn't my thing, voyeurism is what does it for me. Just before the end of the party, I gave it one more shot with this English lady. Yep, I say lady, as she was a bit older than me. Just a blow job though. And yet again, I got distracted. The girl behind the bar was making her rounds, saying time was almost up. So I didn't stay up. Damn. Can't blame a guy for trying. Well, afterwards, I was talking to my Portuguese lady friend again and she gave me her number, discreetly of course. Because, as it turns out, they were all WGs. I wasn't really surprised. So, I'm looking forward to meeting her again for some one on one action. The little fella had better not let me down then.

Long Distance Love

2009-05-12T20:44:00.002+01:00

Yep, I've got the bug. I'm a little pissed off for feeling like this, but I love A. Doesn't make me any less of a man though. I'll keep telling myself that. I sometimes wonder what we will talk about on the phone, but invariably we end up spending nearly an hour at a time talking. Before the conversation, I think we will have nothing much to say. That feeling doesn't last long though. We just keep going. I wonder if it's going to be the same when she gets here? Or are we going to revert back to the last time? Sex, sex, and more sex. I think we have made a stronger connection now, so there will be equal doses of horniness and romance. Like I told her today, I'm scared that I'll lose her. It kind of feels like she is my chance for true happiness. WTF is up with these highs and lows? One minute I'm overjoyed she is back in my life, then the reality hits. She is thousands of miles and a few months away. Oh the joys of a long distance relationship.
On another topic, the party is tomorrow. Time to play. I almost feel guilty as I haven't told A anything, but somehow I don't think she would have a problem. I'm not going to until after I go. I'm still trying to justify going. I shouldn't but I will. Like I said before. I'm quite looking forward to it. Got to make sure I leave early so I get there on time. Don't want to miss this. Wish me luck.

Mothers Day

2009-05-11T11:02:00.004+01:00

There was no Central Line between Liverpool Street and Leytonstone so I had to get the overland train. Well, there's me listening to my music, just chilling. Just as I was passing Manor Park cemetery, where my mom is buried, this song came on. I had my music player on shuffle, so I definitely didn't make a selection. How mad is that? On Mothers Day? This isn't the original but it's pretty close.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tE4zMQPb6iE&feature=related

Thank You Mama is right. Miss you too.

I shouldn't, but I will

2009-05-09T22:42:00.003+01:00

Well, I'm sitting here, on a night shift, bored out of my tiny mind. And as you do when you re bored, one is drawn to those websites. Porn, swingers, hookers and the like. Well, I happened upon this adult party website. They have regular swingers parties in London and they just happen to have one coming up in my neck of the woods. It's on Wednesday night coming. And it's at a place I've been to a couple of times. There are at least 8 single girls from this group attending, and from the pictures they posted on the website, they look quite good. The one drawback is that it is going to cost me at least 7o quid. Yes, I'm very broke. But what the hell, if I visited a WG, it would cost me almost as much for much less time. About 30 minutes. The party is going to last about 3 hours. I figure I could at least get 3 good sessions in, and the voyeur will be entertained as well. I'm working on that day but should finish in enough time to get home and change, get some drinks and be on my way. And its being held at a spa, so the jacuzzi will be greatly appreciated. I'm really trying to convince myself that I need to go. Not that I need much convincing. A chance to get at least one shag and see some live fucking action? Surely that's a no-brainer? The little head must get a chance sometimes, after all. I haven't had any fun in a while and A wont be here for a few months.
That's another thing I am so looking forward to. I've been fantasizing about what we are going to do when she gets here. I want to book a couple of days in a hotel so we can fuck our brains out. There will be lovemaking as well, as the last time we were together, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I'm looking forward to some long sessions, exploring her body, finding out, as I told her, what makes her cum really hard. And there will be toys, lubes, massage oils, blindfolds and the like. (Shit, got to stop drooling.) Oh, there will be fun aplenty. But that's then. Let's just deal with the immediate future. Wednesdays party at the Spa. Fun, fun, fun, and fun. I hope.

Progress

2009-05-06T16:07:00.002+01:00

Well, the SIA finally got back to me. Or rather, I called them up yesterday and the letter came today. I can finally go back to work and start making some money again. I go back tomorrow. Starting with a night shift. No matter. I'm quite looking forward to getting back to work. Nothing from the Met though. Too much to hope for, I suppose.
In addition, I signed on for the first time in 11 years. Only the second time ever. The first time was only for 2 weeks. This time its more like 3 weeks. I made sure it was backdated so I could make up for the loss of income. Now I'm back to work I can cancel it. Got an appointment on Friday morning at the Jobcentre.
Haven't spoken to A since the other day. We are taking a break while she deals with some issues over there. Hopefully get some closure. This relationship still worries me, even before she gets here. How are we going to go forward? I told her she has always been my fantasy since she went back home. She says she won't feel like she is home until she gets here, with me. I've never had anything like this. This is a proper relationship. Okay, maybe not. But it's on the way to becoming one. I can't wait, but we have to. End of July if everything works out.
One thing that worries me is that we won't get enough time together. One other thing that is always in the back of my mind is that her husbands family will try and get rid of her. I know that's morbid, but I can't help it. These things happen in that part of the world quite regularly. I worry that my fantasy will never become reality. Shit, I'm getting depressed again. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts. That's what I told her to do when she gets depressed. Take 5 minutes in the corner with her eyes closed, thinking happy thoughts. Anyway, can't think of anything else at the moment.

Rant, rant, rant

2009-05-03T13:56:00.004+01:00

Nothing much to say today. Still moping at home, or should I say worrying, because my SIA licence still hasn't come through. Which means I can't work, which means I don't get paid. Which means I only have enough money for the rent. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Also still waiting for a letter from the vetting people at the Met. I've been waiting a week for the letter from the SIA and over 4 months for a letter from the Met vetting office. WTF is there to check? I've never been in trouble, never had a ticket, have only worked for three companies in my working life, never defaulted on a loan, never scammed anyone, etc. Why does it take so long? I'm so frustrated. As a result of no money, I can't go out, cant get laid, etc. The only thing I can do is sit at home and mope. I've even started smoking again. It's only one or two a day but still. That's mainly because I can't afford a pack a day. On the plus side, the long conversations with A and E keep me going. I'm planning to go to my sister D today. Wont get there until after 5 though. Have to wait for my brother to come home from work. He's the one driving. I already told him so let's hope he doesn't say he is too tired. That's another thing. No money means I haven't renewed my Oyster card, which means I can't use public transport, so I couldn't even make my own way to D. It sucks being poor. Well, rant over. Let's hope the day improves.

Better than I thought

2009-04-30T23:34:00.002+01:00

Well, things are better than I thought. Just got off the phone with E. She couldn't say much at times, as her kids kept coming into the room where she was. We were talking about BDSM again. She seemed interested in what I liked. I pitched a few scenarios to her and she seemed up for it. One of which I'm going to call 'extended foreplay'. We go out to a bar. She is wearing the remote control vibrating egg. I have the controller. We stay for a few drinks. You get the idea. Then home so she can cum properly. Closely followed by me. Moving on. I shouldn't be surprised but her husband was definitely up for a threesome the last time I visited. Unfortunately he got called in to work. Apparently when he got back they discussed waking me up to follow on an uncompleted play session between me and her. But the moment was already gone. I've been having long conversations with E recently and am more open with her than before. I think this is as a result of being so open with A. If that makes sense. Well, it does to me. Its definitely going to be more interesting on my next trip to see her. Or if they come to see me. I'm probably going to be committed to seeing A if I have money to spend on a trip abroad. Who knows whats going to happen. I shouldn't even doubt. A takes priority. That's how it is for the foreseeable future. Anyway, the long conversations are strengthening both relationships, so I'm happy.

Why worry?

2009-04-29T17:51:00.002+01:00

Something just occurred to me when I woke up this morning. I was comfortable talking to E about A, but A didn't know about E. Well, I had to redress this. Only problem was, I didn't know how. How do you tell someone there is someone else in your life? I certainly don't want to lose either one. And as it turns out, I wont. I have no idea what I was worried about. I read out the 5 Women post to her and emailed it to her as well, after I explained who E was. A later texted me saying she had to cry after reading this. I felt a bit embarrassed but these are my true feelings, so why hide them. And the relationship is based on being open and honest with each other. And the last thing I want is for this to come back and bite me on the ass. Well, A was very understanding. She even laughed at me wondering why I was so worried. Surely I'm justified in being worried. I'm telling the woman I love that I love someone else. That I had sex with someone who I am still in contact with on a regular basis. Someone I want to keep in my life. Well, maybe I didn't put it like that, but still. I don't think she gets how close E is to me. Should I bring it up again or just let it lie? WTF, it still feels odd being this open with someone. Especially someone I want to stay in my life, to accompany me along this journey. Even with a large family, I have always been more comfortable being a loner, keeping stuff to myself. I guess there is nothing wrong with change when its for the better.

How to explain?

2009-04-27T23:25:00.002+01:00

Well the journey continues. Spoke to both A and E today. Talked a bit about my fetishes to both. A seems to understand more than E. E said something so stereotypical I had to laugh. She said, "so you like getting beat then?" I promised to talk to her more about it tomorrow. I told her it wasn't just about pain, giving and receiving. It's so much more. But I'm only going to concentrate on the bits that interest me. I don't think she is going to be too shocked. She is married after all. And likes black men. Namely me. I also told her about A and the progress we are making. She seems to be genuinely happy for me. And she remembers her. I had told her about A years ago, so that's good. The question now is how do I put BDSM across? How do I explain my fetishes to her? Well, I have always been open with E so I might as well be blunt. She definitely has a kinky side. I remember her talking to me about a threesome, years ago. Nothing ever came of it though. Her husband got called in to work, so we couldn't. I could do it now, I'm more confident about what I'm into. Less likely I'll have performance issues. I hope. Two cases of threesomes involving me I can remember, I had performance issues. The first one (FFM) was because I was quite a bit younger and didn't have enough confidence. The second (MMF) was in a swingers club and felt a bit rushed. It was my first time there as well. I'm quite comfortable with both these women so I think I'll be fine. At the very least, it will be fun explaining what turns me on. And I can ask what else turns then on. To be more graphic than I was before. Should be fun.

Things are happening

2009-04-26T13:30:00.003+01:00

Well, I've been speaking to A more nowadays. We are starting to connect with each other again. Her marriage is pretty much over so that leaves us. That's what I'm hoping at least. I don't know why I'm pinning my hopes on us working out. It has been 10 years since we were together. 10 years of nothing other than verbal contact. She is coming over at the end of July to spend a few weeks with me. I offered to put her up in a guesthouse and she said no. She wants to stay with me. I'm quite looking forward to it. The one thing we have decided on so far is that its likely to be a long distance relationship, for starters at least. I think it would be unfair for her to give up a promising career over there. We have been talking about things like favourite colours, porn, food, travel, art, etc. I have been quite open with her about what I like. I think that is the right way, so if there is something we don't like, its already out in the open. It's kind of risky being so open, but I still find its kind of cool being able to say anything. No secrets. We are starting our relationship over it seems. I think its good. When we were last together it was more physical stuff than anything else. It seemed like we did nothing other than fucking or making out, with periods of mundane conversation. I couldn't keep my hands off her. This way we can build a proper relationship, not just based on sex. Or one that suits us both. Did I mention how much I was looking forward to seeing her in the flesh? Yes, it has some bearing, I'm afraid. That's how we first connected, so it has a place in the relationship. Also, she said that is what turns her on. The difference, the contrast. Good thing that's my fetish as well. If you want to call it a fetish.

Magic

2009-04-22T13:36:00.002+01:00

Magic = Smooth balls. Its advertised as being ideal for black men, but never said anything about balls. I suppose thats not the ideal advertising slogan. I tried it on the spur of the moment and it worked. I was tired of fucking around with disposable razors and contortions. It works just fine on my head but it had never occured to me to try it on my balls. I applied the cream liberally and just waited for about 10 to 15 mins. The only drawback was that I was trapped in the bathroom for the duration. My brothers were home so I couldn't walk around naked with white cream smothered all over my balls. Imagine the horror. A bald naked black man with white cream all over his balls. Anyway, once the time had elapsed, into the tub with a washcloth for a scrub. And the results, wonderful. No hair whatsoever. Its recommended that you test the cream on a small area first to make sure you dont get an adverse reaction, and I agree. If you leave it on for too long, you start feeling a burning sensation so be careful. But the results are well worth the discomfort. Sorry, no pictures of hairless balls. I'll spare everyone the horror. Or use it for HNT. No, that would be too much. So, going forward, no more razors, just cream. And nice hairless balls.

I fell off the wagon

2009-04-21T21:50:00.002+01:00

For the last couple of weeks, I have been smoking like no ones business. I've not been to the gym either. I know I shouldnt smoke but couldnt help myself. I'm so pissed off with myself. The way it makes me feel is not nice anymore. Dont get me wrong, at the time I enjoy it, but the next day I feel phlegmy and horrible. That sounds so wussy. Well, I've managed to stay off them for the last two days, so hopefully I'll feeel better. I do actually. But who knows if I will relapse. Its very likely but hopefully not in the same degree. I need to get back into my gym routine. I'm off work at the moment. My licence expired and I left it a bit too late to renew, so I have to wait for the SIA to send out a Special Dispensation Letter once they start dealing with my application. So, that leaves me sitting at home doing nothing. And not making any money. So I didnt renew my Oyster card. I've spent too much money recently so I'm trying to save money. Damn, this has turned into a moan. So, as a result of not having a valid Oyster card, I've not been going to the gym. Catch 22?

I Wish

2009-04-20T00:12:00.003+01:00

I wish she was closer. I wish I was rich. I wish she was rich. I spoke to A today. She called me. I finally told her things which I have been feeling for years. I don't want to gloat now that her marriage is on the verge of ending. But it makes me feel that there is finally a chance for us to be together, after 11 years and two continents apart. How can I be such a fantasist? I never even asked why her husband left. I would still have her. Is it stupid to feel this way about someone you have never even had a deep and meaningful conversation with? I know she cares about me but I don't think she understands how I feel about her. I feel I can be myself around her and not have any pretensions. I know I was younger and more naive at the time but I still felt a connection. I was crushed when she had to leave London.
I remember some of the things we did. We went to a strip club together and ogled the strippers. She isn't even bi, as far as I know. I couldn't get over that. I was just talking about going with my mates and she suggested we go to one. So I called her bluff, and we both had fun. This is years ago and I still remember. I remember parking up in what I now know to be a dogging location and fucking in the car like nobodies business. Only it wasn't. There were other cars there. I remember thinking I saw someone hiding in the bushes looking at us but didn't care. Now I know for sure.
Anyway, I think she was feeling me out with a view to giving us a chance. I would love to have her here, with me. I don't know if I'm being naive again. I've been single for such a long time. Even when I was with S, I didn't feel the same vibe. She wants to go and study in the UK or Australia. I want her to come here but that is going to be the more difficult option. Then again, maybe not. I don't think she knows anyone in Australia. It is closer to Bangladesh though and the travel and residency restrictions are easier. But I'm here and her sister is here. And I want her to be here. Not two continents, 11 years and countless emails and phone calls away.

5 Women

2009-04-16T02:29:00.002+01:00

I can't sleep and I'm compelled to write this. Five important women in my life.

V, my mom, who would do anything for her kids and whose last words to me before she died was I LOVE YOU.

E, my married fling who knows a lot about my life and still says she loves me, even after more than 15 years. And she is still happily married. And also on another continent.

D, my closest sister. My voice of reason, my accountant, my counsellor, my almost twin. The one who introduced me to A.

S, the mother of my son. Not involved anymore but there is still love. And she showed me kink without me realising. I do now though.

A, who I think is the love of my life, the one for me, even though we are continents apart. Worlds apart, in a sense. We had a brief fling 10 years ago, before she was forced to go home to be married off. She accepted me for me, no questions. I was hooked the first time I laid eyes on her. I'm still hooked.

Docklands Munch

2009-04-14T23:13:00.003+01:00

Well, went to Docklands Munch last night. It took me a while but I eventually found it. Not many people there but that's the attraction of these munches. Its easier to talk to people and there are less people to talk to so the whole experience is better. You don't get lost in a crowd. I made a few new contacts, one of whom was really nice. I just looked at her profile on IC and she is 4'11". When I hugged her at the end of the night, I realised she was really short. I still would though. She is attractive, and I get the feeling she has been around the block a few times. Not jaded, but clued up. I thought she was with the guy next her her, who she let rub her leg most of the night. Her profile says she is single though. But, it turns out she has played with this guy who turns out to be a rope master, so that explains it. Here's me dreaming again. I would love to play with her. But thats the dick talking. All in all, I had a good night. I love these. You can talk about anything you want, anything. So long as someone else is into it. Otherwise you would be preaching. Obviously. And that's not me. Anyway, its tempting me to go to the U35 Munch on the weekend. I really need to make some real play contacts, rather than WG's. Cheaper for one. And longer lasting. Anyway, this isnt about anything much. Just rambling.

Bad choice, good result. WG review?

2009-04-12T13:56:00.003+01:00

Well, Paradise was a washout. Got there just after 11. The guy on the door said there were too many single guys, plus it was very quiet, not much was happening. I wasn't too fussed as obviously you don't want too many guys hanging around looking at one another. There were only about 8 couples and they were mostly standing at the bar chatting, while still fully dressed. I took his advice and didnt bother going in. He recommended a Monday visit. There is a party on Mondays organised by a group of girls, who all come together. Guaranteed action. Only drawback is that its about 70 quid for those nights. Stood there for a bit chatting then left.
Rang up this place in East ham as I still fancied a shag. They were open until about 4 in the morning so that was good. Gave me lots of time to get there. Boy am I glad I went there. Went with a lovely Spanish girl.
When we got in the room, she began by giving me a sexy striptease, while I was lying on the bed. Yes, she was standing on the bed above me. And yes , I could touch. I even slipped a couple of fingers between her pussy lips when she bent over. She was wet already. Then again, it could have been lube. I prefer to think it was her natural juices, adds to the fantasy. She then gave me the most amazing blow job. Yes, I know it was her job to be good, but damn. She even let me put my hands on the back of her head and took the full length of my cock. Wow. I then had her get on her back and got astride her with my cock in her mouth. What a gorgeous sight. I had to fuck her before I came in her mouth. I slid down her body and started fucking her with her legs around my shoulders. It was so hard not to cum there and then. But I had to get a bit of my favourite position, doggy. I stood behind her at the edge of the bed and began stroking. I reached under and started fingering her pert breasts. She signalled to put my hands on her shoulders instead, so I did. It made it better for support as I started fucking her hard. Her legs were between mine but that just made it better. I still had a good view of my cock going in and out of her pussy, spreading her lips wide. Its the skin contrast that always gets me. That and the shape of a lovely round ass with my cock sliding in between. It wasn't long before I came. It was hard not to.
Cleaned up and then we cuddled for a bit. The weirdest thing was that she kept sniffing my skin. I asked why and she said she loved the smell of black guys. I know, don't believe everything you hear, but I did. Most WGs don't kiss but she did while we were cuddling. Long deep kisses. Tongues and all. It was a pity I couldn't have a round two. I was definitely ready, but rules are rules. I am hooked. She definitely did her job. I am seriously considering returning for a longer session. When finances permit, of course. The one drawback was that her massage technique was shit. I suppose most guys don't visit WGs for massages though. I had a place before where I got the most amazing massages before sex, but that was an oriental place and they are normally quite good at massage. I know, stereotyping.
Anyway, that was my Saturday night.
And folks, don't judge me for visiting a WG, I am single after all.

Decisions, decisions

2009-04-11T20:50:00.000+01:00

I'm horny and I don't want to be. I shouldn't really be spending any more money but what the hell. I have two choices, three actually. But we are going to ignore the third option of staying home and having a wank later. So that leaves me with the choice of going to Paradise Spa or going to a brothel. I'll probably spend the same amount of money whichever choice I go for. The brothel guarantees I get laid. The spa only gives a chance of getting laid. There is no sure thing. The brothel is only for 30 minutes, but the Spa is a night out even if I don't get any. But there will be nudity and the chance of a free sex show. The last time I went to the spa I had two play sessions. I might get lucky again. I'll decide in an hour or so which of the three options I go for.

Boring day

2009-04-09T22:44:00.000+01:00

I don't know why I'm so excited about this. A revolving spice rack, bought today at Lakeside at Robert Dyas. That was one of my highlights today. The other was ogling the sales girl at Ann Summers in Romford. I know, I'm easily pleased. Well, she was dressed very sexy , showing some cleavage with a hint of bra. Sorry, I'm being very boring at the moment. Finances have been tough so I've not been going out recently. Getting my kicks another way. Being a true voyeur. Well almost. I've not been hiding in the bushes with binoculars. Just eyeing up random women, trying to make eye contact, then smiling at them. Sometimes they smile back. Or. Watching them go by so I could check out their ass. That is my weakness. That or eyes are the first things I look at. Anyway, that was my day. Went to the post office, queued for ages to post my licence renewal special delivery. Then on the bus to Romford to drop off some money for my sister. Ogled a couple of Essex girls who came in. Downstairs in the mall to buy some new shorts for the gym. Ogled the Ann Summers girl after looking at bondage gear. Met my sister who drove me to Lakeside for the WONDERFUL SPICE RACK. Back on the bus to Romford, then food shopping at Tesco. Back home to finish making dinner. Stewed chicken and it was good. Thats it, in a nutshell.

Slowpoke

2009-04-02T23:03:00.000+01:00

Yep, I'm slipping. Another opportunity wasted. At the gym this evening, this girl I had noticed before was doing pilates next to where I was doing my stretches. We got to talking and she seemed interested. I didn't get into much detail. I do know she was Indian, 23, and wants to visit Barbados. I've been to Barbados many times, but not in recent years. I don't know her name. I never asked. Her phone rang between one of the pauses and I decided not to sit around and wait for her to finish the conversation. Seemed a bit needy. As I was finished working out, I went to the showers, hoping I would time it right. I was too late though. She had left by the time I got back up to reception. I know this because I asked the girl on reception. I know that one. I told her I was interested and she had to put some work in for me. I gave her instructions, would you believe? She was to tell the Indian hottie I wanted to continue our conversation, and to get her to contact me on Facebook. She agreed, so hopefully things will be happening. Fingers crossed, y'all.

Error - no kink found

2009-03-30T22:05:00.000+01:00

Well, went to the gym today. Not my normal one. I went to Romford to drop some documents off at my sister's workplace and do some stuff at the bank. The gym is right by the train station so I figured I might as well. It was quite large but was just a standard club. I guess I've been spoiled with my platinum membership. There were a couple of ladies I liked the look of on the raised bit just over from where I was. So obviously, being the pervert I am, I kept sneaking looks during my resting periods. One was blonde and slim, and the other was a bit curvier and had dark hair and a darker complexion. They seemed to just be going through the motions. The blonde one seemed more playful than the other. When she was on the big ball, she didnt seem to be doing he exercises properly, just pushing her ass to and fro towards me(imagined). I quite like the idea. I had to look away as I immediately thought of me behind her with my cock in her crack. The ever so short shorts she was wearing didn't help either. Back to the workout. When I finished the set, I walked past them to put the medicine ball back and she was lying on her side pretending to kick her friend. I made a joke about how she should be getting rid of her fustration another way, but didn't elaborate. She laughed for a bit but I didn't go any further, I just walked away. I saw them later when I went on the rowing machine but didn't say anything further. So, not a very productive day for kink and perversion. Oh well.

Right in the eye

2009-03-26T22:29:00.000Z

Almost, but not quite. She sat opposite me and I couldnt help but look. She was oriental, slim, with long dark hair. There were a few strands of grey, but I didn't notice straight away. She didnt look old enough to have grey hair. I was too busy looking at her legs. Black tights, silver ankle boots and a mini. Initially, I thought it was an accident. Her legs were slightly apart, and of course, this caught my eye. It has been a while. I couldn't quite see much without making it really blatant where I was looking. She was reading thelondonpaper and her bag was on the seat next to her. She crossed her legs as if to tell me, stop perving. I kept trying not to look but something drew my eyes back. Sometimes she held the paper directly in front of her face, other times she dropped it a little, as if to make sure I was paying attention. Oh, I was. She uncrossed her legs again and the game continued. I had my head tilted to the side, but time and time again, my eyes returned to her legs, following them up under her skirt. Every now and again, we made eye contact, but not for long. There was no way she didnt know what I was looking at. What I wished I could see. The dark tights and dark skirt didn't help. Actually they did. Part of the tease is not showing everything, just little glimpses. Her legs were open enough I could see all the way up, but it was too dark to make out details. By the time the train got to Bethnal Green, I was finding hard not to grin like a fool. I was thinking, she must be getting such a thrill from doing this. What happens when she gets home? Is there someone waiting she can jump, or is it going to be her toy box? Well, I enjoyed fantasising about it as well. At Bank a lot more people got on so I couldnt see any more. When people moved down, I could see her face every now and then, and there was definitely still eye contact and little smiles. At St Pauls she opened a book and what I thought was an emery board fell on the floor. I didn't say anything straight away as I thought she had seen. At Chancery Lane, more people got on and as someone was about to step on it, I picked it up and handed it to her. She smiled and said, she was finished with it and dropped it back on the floor. She then started touching up her makeup. She took out a pencil to do her mascara and initially I thought it was a pen. She was going to give me a little note. No such luck. Wishful thinking. I should have done that. At the next stop, she started using the pencil to apply makeup to her eyelids. She got off at Tottenham Court Road. She made it a point to look at me and smile before she got off though. I wished I had acted. I'll never know what could have been. Not just my imagination. 6.35 on a westbound Central Line train.

Random musings of times past

2009-03-15T23:23:00.000Z

I saw my ex the other day when I dropped my son off. Its a bad thing to say but she has let herself go big time. She has gained a lot of weight and her hair was a mess. We get on great though and I definitely still love her, just not in a sexual way. I suppose in a way after three kids and no fathers around, you stop caring sometimes. She can still scrub up nicely when she goes out, but it just isnt the same as when we first hooked up. She was the one that awakened the kink monster in me. First time experimenting with bondage, first time having anal sex, yep she showed me the joys. We had gone out and gotten really pissed. We came home and as you do, started having sex. I was fucking her from behind when she suddenly said to me that she wanted me to fuck her ass. Well, I was in the moment so didn't hesitate. I got the Vaseline out and lubed up. When I slid my cock in, I was in heaven. So tight and hot. We were fucking, not making love, so it didn't take long for me to come. I've been hooked ever since. It even influences the type of porn I watch. Another thing she did after we broke up and hinted about before, was swinging. She told me about some of her trsyts and I have to admit it turned me on. To be able to have your kink and eat it too. But not everyone can have that level of trust and we never did, so there you go. But your past makes you who you are, so thank you S. Now I'm really running with it. It took me a while to get here but the journey is not over yet. 2009 is my year to try weird and wonderful stuff. I signed up to a BDSM site and a swinging site and we will see where the journey takes me. I have already had some adventures so things are progressing well. Some have been more surreal than others but you learn as you go along. Some things I did, still make me wonder why I did that, others give me wanking material. I might post some of these escapades another time, when I'm a bit more comfortable.